Anyone have an elderly parent live with them?

[Sho'Nuff]

I need some help with/advice re: my dad.

From other posts I've made, some of you may know that my dad moved into my house last June. He was born in the Czech republic, moved to the states for ~45 years under political asylum (he became a naturalized citizen), and then moved back to the Czech republic when he and my mom split up in 2003. After 10 years in the Czech republic, he decided to move back to the states (at the ripe old age of 80) so he could spend some time with my kids, me, and my brother. He now lives with my family in NH.

Over the past 8 months I have grown quite concerned about my dad because of his behavior. Some of it is classic "old man" stuff (stubborness, a little forgetfulness, etc.), but some of it looks like he might be either depressed, a bit senile, or both.

Example 1- My father has been in the US for 8 months now. And while he is fully capable of driving (safely) and has access to a car, he almost never, ever leaves the house. My community offers all sorts of senior activities, which I have encouraged him to attend. He went to a few of them but then quit and has steadfastly refused to go back. He now spends most of his time holed up in my house, either watching TV or surfing the web on an iPAD. It has gotten to the point where I am purposely trying to find things for him to do for my wife and I, just so he gets out of the house. My secret goal is that he will meet some people while out and about and make some friends. But no luck so far.

Example 2- Since my father came back from the Czech republic, all he ever talks about IS the Czech republic. Anything I say, he will compare to what is in the Czech republic. It was endearing at first, but has become incredibly annoying as he literally cannot have a conversation about anything in this country. Everything is about "how" things were in the Czech republic. And not just the Czech republic now, but the Czech republic 50 years ago when he was a young man. Some of that behavior is just him remembering the "good old days," but I'm starting to think that some of it might be stemming from alzheimers or senility. Some of my conversations with him are starting to remind me of conversations I had with my Grandmother near the end of her 98 year life. She had full blown alzheimers and could recall trips she took with her mother to the local pharmacy when she was 8 better than she could remember what she did in the previous 5 minutes.

Example 3 - My father is bitterly resentful of his step brother, who he feels "stole" his inheritance from him. The story is long and sordid, but it essentially comes down to the fact that my father's mother sold her house (my father's childhood home) to his stepbrother (who also lived in the home) in 1986 for what was and is very little money. In 1986, the Czech republic was still communist, and it was understood that if someone died without assigning or selling their real property to a relative, the state would confiscate that property. I am convinced after hearing this story hundreds of times that my father's mother sold the home to his stepbrother because of the issue with the Czech state, and not because his stepbrother "duped" her. None of the property was conveyed to my father because at that time, my father was a political refugee in the US and there was no possibility he would ever return to (then) Czechosolvakia without being arrested.

Anyway to make a long story short, my father feels like his stepbrother duped his mother into selling the property to him, and effectively disinherited him. All of his feelings are based on his wild guesses as to "what must have happened" almost 30 years ago. And much of his resentment is arising from the fact that his stepbrother (who is a legitimate asshole) told him that he would not be welcome to stay in their house (which is HUGE) if my dad ever decided to come back for a visit. This made my father extremely upset, and he has been seemingly unable to move past it. Indeed, I have probably discussed the issue with him every day since he moved into my house last year, and the conversation is always the same. It always ends with him making the same arguments, extremely upset, cursing, etc. He just can't seem to move on, and it is literally keeping him up at night (I can here him cursing in Czech about it in the middle of the night). I'm worried about him because on top of all of the other stuff going on, I think this issue is making him (or has already made him) clinically depressed.

There are other weird behaviors I could list, but I've already posted a wall of text. Anyone else have an elderly parent live with them and had similar issues? If so, got any tips? I've exhausted all of the "tricks" I can think of, and nothing seems to be working.

FWIW - I have considered sending him to get mentally evaluated. But I have refrained from doing so thus far because he will not have medicare part B coverage until next July.

 

[Miramonti]

I don't have a parent living with, but know elder care can be a b!tch and commend you for taking it upon yourself. Can you get him to go for walks with you guys? Maybe some exercise will help his mind and doing it with you would make it easier to get out of the house.

 

[nageov3t]

I don't necessarily "live with," but I rent a 2-family house from my 86 year-old great aunt where she lives in the other unit... example #1 is definitely something I've seen exacerbate as she's gotten older.

she used to be pretty involved with the town's senior center, she'd walk down to the corner store to buy groceries/beer, or even walk to the pizza shop a few blocks away to grab a slice with some of the other old ladies in the neighborhood... over the past couple years, though, she rarely leaves the house except to check for mail and take her trash out to the garbage can. she spends the majority of her day watching tv, reading magazines, or just walking around the house.

unfortunately, there's only so much you can do, so we try to live with it. we'll take her out to family dinners whenever the opportunity arises, and any time I cook dinner and have leftovers, I'll usually take a plate over to her to chat and make sure she's eating OK (she's afraid of the stove/microwave, so her meals are typically limited to getting pizza/chinese delivered or stuff like sandwiches, cereal, etc).

we've offered many, many times to get someone to come buy once/day or a few times a week to do some cooking and cleaning and spend some time with her, but she's refused all offers. she does have a cat to talk to, though, which I think actually helps since it gives her something to keep her occupied.

 

[Kaido]

Sometimes putting them in a home or having an in-home caretaker is a better option. I did a short stint as an elderly caretaker back in college with my wife and it was super stressful. I would not do it again, even with family members. It can drain you emotionally because you're worried all the time and constantly struggling to meet their needs.

Two of the biggest things you will need to control are food and sleep. Old people aren't going to change because they are set in their ways, so don't bother even trying if you want to save yourself the headache. But what you can do is control their environment. Make sure he's eating on a regular basis - not just 3 healthy meals, but also good snacks in-between (like beef jerky). If you can, cut out junk food, sugars, breads, etc. and do high-protein stuff like meat and high-fiber stuff like salads. The older you get, the more important good nutrition becomes, and the harder it can be to actually get them to eat properly. If you're sneaky, you can disguise that stuff as their favorite foods or foods they grew up with so they don't fight you on eating it.

As far as sleep goes, install some kind of cutoff system (killswitch) for the lights, TV, computer, etc. If they can't see (because its dark) & don't have anything entertaining to do, they will have a harder time putzing around all night. Getting enough sleep is really important when you're old. And a lot of times they'll get into a stalling pattern based on issue X, Y, or Z and that will be their interface for dealing with the world, sort of like a mental security blanket (like Linus from the Peanuts comic). So it sounds like he's carrying around this family resentment as his security blanket and he's kind of settled into his routine. It just kind of spirals downward from there.

What gets tricky is implementing these changes. Old people can be stubborn, refuse to eat regularly, stay up all night, and then get super cranky. It's almost like babysitting a toddler, except that you can't force them to take a nap or eat. But like I said, setup some kind of killswitch and pick a bedtime, like 10pm, and make sure he's eating high-protein, high-fiber foods on a regular basis throughout the day. Otherwise you're going to be dealing with an emotionally-compromised elderly person who doesn't feel real good all day. It can be stressful!

 

[IndyColtsFan]

My dad died in 2006 and my brother lives with my mom, who is in bad shape (almost 68). It has gotten to the point where she can't walk and really can't use her arms, so she has a nurse with her almost constantly. It is getting expensive to live this way and my brother calculates she will pretty much be out of any savings within 3 or 4 years and her income probably won't be enough to pay for her private nurse.

When we bring this up to her, she insists that she will be able to walk again at some point and won't "need" a nurse. None of us seriously believe she will walk again, and when you gently tell her that, we get more excuses such as "well my nurse will still be with me!" When we circle back with the fact she won't be able to afford it and ask if she seriously thinks this person will stick around for free, she says "Yes!" and then finally says "Well I guess she'll need to go find another job." It is a complete and utter mess. We've tried to convince her to go into a home and I've begged her to get her affairs in order and make my brother the executor (sp?) and in charge of her finances, but she refuses. Both of us fear that her nurse may be taking advantage of the situation but we're powerless to do anything about it.

OP, get him evaluated and if possible, sit down with him and make sure all his affairs are in order and that there is a plan in place for him to get the care he needs if he becomes an invalid like my mom. My whole situation is a mess, my brother is somewhat weak and passive, and I feel completely powerless to stop it. Take charge now while you still can. IIRC, you're a lawyer so you probably know much better than I do how to prepare for these sorts of things.

 

[Scarpozzi]

My senile neighbor worries constantly about his yard. He typically mows his yard 2-3 times a week when the weather is warm. In contrast, the inside of his house looks like a bomb went off and smells pretty bad. I feel bad for the guy, but he's constantly asking me to do things for him. I've paid a few contractors in the past 8 months to put a roof on my house and do some other renovations that require a crew...he's not been shy about asking them for help either. (which crosses a line in my book, but I let it go) His wife past away 8 years ago and he's not been doing well since... He'll probably live a long time though because he's aging much slower than the rest of us. He's been 83 for the past 4 years.

 

[Nintendesert]

I know it's not what you want, but if you suspect your 80 year old father of having a mental defect, either onset of dementia or alzheimers, why are you giving him access to a vehicle?

You are contradicting yourself in your assertion he is "fully" capable of operating it safely. Obviously not if you want to get him evaluated for mental diminishment.

 

[nageov3t]

My senile neighbor worries constantly about his yard.

ha. my great aunt is similar... her obsession is taking out the trash. she constantly worries about getting fined by the town for either taking the trash cans to the curb too early (which I'll do in the morning the day before if I'm not going to be home that night... yes, technically you're not supposed to do that, but I've never heard of anyone actually getting fined for it) or hauling too much to the curb (between the two of us, we never have much, but once in awhile I'll have an extra 2-3 bags sitting alongside of the can if I had something bulky to throw out like packaging material).

god help me on cleanout day... it's gotten to where I actually take stuff over to my parents house to throw out there, because no matter how broken down a piece of furniture may be, she has full-on freakouts if she sees a piece of furniture sitting curbside waiting for pickup. she nearly broke my window yelling at me when I threw out an old radiator cover, after we switched to baseboard heating.

who's going to use a 5' long radiator cover that's probably painted with lead paint that we should have saved it in the basement instead of throwing it out?

recently she's got it into her head that there's some kind of town ordinance that requires all lights in shared spaces to be on at night. I wrote up a giant sign asking her to turn the lights off when she's done using them, but it's gotten to where my nightly routine before bed now includes making sure the lights are turned off in the shared back hallway/basement and porch.

 

[Sho'Nuff]

I know it's not what you want, but if you suspect your 80 year old father of having a mental defect, either onset of dementia or alzheimers, why are you giving him access to a vehicle?

You are contradicting yourself in your assertion he is "fully" capable of operating it safely. Obviously not if you want to get him evaluated for mental diminishment.

This is good point, and one I am sensitive to. I've only given him access to a car because I have seen first hand that he is capable of operating it safely. He is alert, aware, and drives carefully. He has trouble remembering directions, but if I take him someplace he knows how to get there and back.

So its a bit weird . . . he has a lot of strange social issues going on. But from a physical perspective he is all there. No issues walking, talking, seeing, hearing, etc. And that is ~80% of what you need to drive safely.

I have no issues pulling the plug on his driving if it becomes clear that he is unsafe. And seeing as how I've been hit by a number of old folks in the past several years, I am pretty sensitive to that issue.

 

[Sho'Nuff]

My dad died in 2006 and my brother lives with my mom, who is in bad shape (almost 68). It has gotten to the point where she can't walk and really can't use her arms, so she has a nurse with her almost constantly. It is getting expensive to live this way and my brother calculates she will pretty much be out of any savings within 3 or 4 years and her income probably won't be enough to pay for her private nurse.

When we bring this up to her, she insists that she will be able to walk again at some point and won't "need" a nurse. None of us seriously believes she will walk again, and when you gently tell her that, we get more excuses such as "well my nurse will still be with me!" When we circle back with the fact she won't be able to afford it and ask if she seriously thinks this person will stick around for free, she says "Yes!" and then finally says "Well I guess she'll need to go find another job." It is a complete and utter mess. We've tried to convince her to go into a home and I've begged her to get her affairs in order and make my brother the executor (sp?) and in charge of her finances, but she refuses. Both of us fear that her nurse may be taking advantage of the situation but we're powerless to do anything about it.

OP, get him evaluated and if possible, sit down with him and make sure all his affairs are in order and that there is a plan in place for him to get the care he needs if he becomes an invalid like my mom. My whole situation is a mess, my brother is somewhat weak and passive, and I feel completely powerless to stop it. Take charge now while you still can. IIRC, you're a lawyer so you probably know much better than I do how to prepare for these sorts of things.

That is a tough situation. But note - if your mom is or becomes eligible for medicaid, she may be able to keep her in home nurse despite the fact that she is not capable of paying for that service herself. You might want to look into that.

Also - since it looks almost certain that your mom WILL end up on medicaid, you should think about protecting her assets from being seized by the government if and when she goes on Medicaid. Talk to an estates attorney about that.

 

[bignateyk]

I don't think he's going senile. If he had Alzheimers, he would think he was actually IN the czech republic. Sounds more like he can't relate to anyone or anything in this country, so all he has are his memories of the good old days.

 

[Williz]

Honestly I just think some old people are like this, my grandma spends most of her time at home or the docs, she comes to our house for meals and my mother does her grocery shopping for her weekly. Nothing wrong with her really other than a bit of mobility impairment and some forgetfulness but I think she is around 85 now, she stopped being mostly social I think around 5 or so years ago.

 

[Leyawiin]

Welcome to the wonderful world of elder care! My mom is 86 and mentally in pretty good shape (reads a lot, does puzzles/crosswords, browsed the internet, etc...), but she's extremely crippled with arthritis and can't walk very far even with a walker. Thankfully she can still use the restroom and bath herself.

I'm the youngest kid in my family (she was pushing 40 when she had me) so when she could no longer live on her own she moved into my three bedroom home. That was 2010 and at first it wasn't too bad. She could still get in and out of her car and drive (she was a very safe, good driver), went to the senior center for lunch every day and had a few friends there she played cards with there. She could also still go to Walmart and doctor's appointments on her own. About a year and a half ago California's budget shortfall affected the senior lunch program here and she stopped going. She also quit driving saying it was too painful to put her walker away and get in the driver's seat. Basically, the responsibility for all shopping, transport and getting her three meals a day has fallen on me. I can't depend on my older sisters (one lives an hour away, the other has fibromyalgia and is almost as crippled as my mom).

Elder care is really difficult, especially when you get no help or relief. My mom has always been great to us kids (dad too - he passed from cancer 20 years ago), so I feel obligated to do all I can to make her comfortable, but it is a strain. My social life is shot to hell, I can't travel anymore or even spend more than breakfast to dinner away from the house. She has means to live in an assisted living home, but I don't want to do that to her until she can no longer use the restroom or bath herself. Its hard and I have no real tips for you. Just something a lot of us have to deal with as our parents age.

 

[s0me0nesmind1]

I deeply worry about my fiancee's mother.

She has gone from being scared of heights and not comfortable with airplane rides to BATSHIT CRAZY... Like... going over a bridge in a car she can't handle. She can't handle more than 1 flight of stairs. She can't go on an airplane without being escorted and drugged. Thankfully, she is senile in a good way in that she never wants help from her kids. So she never wants to move in with us. However when we try to help her financially when she really does need it she also goes batshit crazy, so it's a 2-way street.

Things only get worse the older they get, I'm afraid. Just something we have to deal with it seems =[ I feel for you OP.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

That is a tough situation. But note - if your mom is or becomes eligible for medicaid, she may be able to keep her in home nurse despite the fact that she is not capable of paying for that service herself. You might want to look into that.

Also - since it looks almost certain that your mom WILL end up on medicaid, you should think about protecting her assets from being seized by the government if and when she goes on Medicaid. Talk to an estates attorney about that.

Yes, we've tried to have a discussion with her about her assets and the need to protect them in such a way so she'll be eligible for Medicaid, but she pretty much refuses at this stage. I think she probably believes that my brothers and I should pay for full-time, 24/7 nursing for her if it comes to that, and that isn't going to happen. I feel bad and very guilty saying that, but we all have our own lives to lead and such a huge expense would hurt our own families and retirement preparation, which I can't allow to happen.

I'm not sure she is at the point where we could have a court declare her mentally incompetent either, so it might come down to exercising some tough love. I don't think my brother would do it, however.

 

[nageov3t]

Yes, we've tried to have a discussion with her about her assets and the need to protect them in such a way so she'll be eligible for Medicaid, but she pretty much refuses at this stage. I think she probably believes that my brothers and I should pay for full-time, 24/7 nursing for her if it comes to that, and that isn't going to happen. I feel bad and very guilty saying that, but we all have our own lives to lead and such a huge expense would hurt our own families and retirement preparation, which I can't allow to happen.

I'm not sure she is at the point where we could have a court declare her mentally incompetent either, so it might come down to exercising some tough love. I don't think my brother would do it, however.

it sucks that there are no good options.

we lost the house that my grandfather built with his own hands because my grandmother refused to sell/give it to any of the kids even though it was obvious that she was going to be entering a nursing home soon. now, the state will be seizing it after she passes.

 

[s0me0nesmind1]

Yes, we've tried to have a discussion with her about her assets and the need to protect them in such a way so she'll be eligible for Medicaid, but she pretty much refuses at this stage. I think she probably believes that my brothers and I should pay for full-time, 24/7 nursing for her if it comes to that, and that isn't going to happen. I feel bad and very guilty saying that, but we all have our own lives to lead and such a huge expense would hurt our own families and retirement preparation, which I can't allow to happen.

I'm not sure she is at the point where we could have a court declare her mentally incompetent either, so it might come down to exercising some tough love. I don't think my brother would do it, however.

Yeah, I love my parents - future mother in law, etc... but I'm in the same boat. I will always have my own life to live. This notion that family is always responsible for family like they are your new children is rather disgusting.

You can stay in my home, I will take care of you as best as I can as family will - I will make you dinner when we have dinner, etc.. etc... But the following are things I can NOT do
1. Hire you 24/7 service. You have no idea how expensive this is, in addition to completely untrustable. (Note: My mom tried this for my dad. She had all her gold jewelry stolen)
2. Put you in a luxury home with 24/7 care. Again, ridiculously expensive.
3. Care to your every need. Simply won't have the time. I have my own kids with my own wife with my own home with my own job.
4. Do everything you want. Just because you can't drive doesn't mean I'm your new driver. I will do everything as best I can, but you're not all of a sudden #1 priority. Senior bus discounts exist for a reason.
5. QUIT MY JOB - Nope. Not going to happen. I'm not throwing my own life on the line. Anyone who wants to bring someone else down with them monetarily is incredibly selfish and cruel.

 

[Dr. Detroit]

Tough to say this - but I've noticed my family members acting in the same way.

They are fixated on the past, unable to move forward.
Conversation degrade into me feeling sorry for them and thinking they are crazy
They fixate on the same issues, how they were wronged in the past, and are unable to dig out of their hole
Interaction with society is almost non-existent, people just don't understand them

For the sanity of my life + my family - I've chosen to stay away, I can't seem to help crazy. I've tried, rational conversation has not helped. I do things when asked and try to keep the grandkid engaged a tad, but even she is old enough to understand. They be crazy.

 

[Sho'Nuff]

Sometimes putting them in a home or having an in-home caretaker is a better option. I did a short stint as an elderly caretaker back in college with my wife and it was super stressful. I would not do it again, even with family members. It can drain you emotionally because you're worried all the time and constantly struggling to meet their needs.

Two of the biggest things you will need to control are food and sleep. Old people aren't going to change because they are set in their ways, so don't bother even trying if you want to save yourself the headache. But what you can do is control their environment. Make sure he's eating on a regular basis - not just 3 healthy meals, but also good snacks in-between (like beef jerky). If you can, cut out junk food, sugars, breads, etc. and do high-protein stuff like meat and high-fiber stuff like salads. The older you get, the more important good nutrition becomes, and the harder it can be to actually get them to eat properly. If you're sneaky, you can disguise that stuff as their favorite foods or foods they grew up with so they don't fight you on eating it.

As far as sleep goes, install some kind of cutoff system (killswitch) for the lights, TV, computer, etc. If they can't see (because its dark) & don't have anything entertaining to do, they will have a harder time putzing around all night. Getting enough sleep is really important when you're old. And a lot of times they'll get into a stalling pattern based on issue X, Y, or Z and that will be their interface for dealing with the world, sort of like a mental security blanket (like Linus from the Peanuts comic). So it sounds like he's carrying around this family resentment as his security blanket and he's kind of settled into his routine. It just kind of spirals downward from there.

What gets tricky is implementing these changes. Old people can be stubborn, refuse to eat regularly, stay up all night, and then get super cranky. It's almost like babysitting a toddler, except that you can't force them to take a nap or eat. But like I said, setup some kind of killswitch and pick a bedtime, like 10pm, and make sure he's eating high-protein, high-fiber foods on a regular basis throughout the day. Otherwise you're going to be dealing with an emotionally-compromised elderly person who doesn't feel real good all day. It can be stressful!

Thanks for the thoughts. I don't think its right to put my dad in a home yet. He is too mentally and physically "there." He just fixates on things and I am worried that he is depressed. Honestly I think that if he made a few friends here he would be WORLDS happier and that would make it easier for him to let go of at some of the bad stuff that happened with his step brother. But all he does is sit around the house, which means he has NOTHING else to fixate on.

Also, and while I would hate to do this. I would rather send my dad back to the Czech republic than to put him in a home. He might die alone over there, but he would be independent to the end and I know that is what he would value the most.

 

[nageov3t]

Thanks for the thoughts. I don't think its right to put my dad in a home yet. He is too mentally and physically "there." He just fixates on things and I am worried that he is depressed. Honestly I think that if he made a few friends here he would be WORLDS happier and that would make it easier for him to let go of at some of the bad stuff that happened with his step brother. But all he does is sit around the house, which means he has NOTHING else to fixate on.

Also, and while I would hate to do this. I would rather send my dad back to the Czech republic than to put him in a home. He might die alone over there, but he would be independent to the end and I know that is what he would value the most.

don't know if it's an option, but have you tried getting him any kind of pet?

 

[Sho'Nuff]

don't know if it's an option, but have you tried getting him any kind of pet?

We have a cat, but she is a real PITA and wants nothing to do with anyone except my wife. My cat Monroe would have been a great companion for my dad, but he unfortunately passed last year. I have been giving serious consideration to getting another cat, partly for my father, and partly to give my wife's cat someone to play with. And because I have wanted a toyger/bengal cat for a long time.

A dog would be ideal, but my wife and I have long since decided that a dog is out of the question for us until one of us starts working closer to home. We are not around the house enough to take care of a dog in the way we both feel is right for the dog.

 

[LTC8K6]

I just wanted to say that I went through the same things with my Dad and then my Mom. The stress and strain was incredible. I am the baby child, so when the time came to care for my Dad and then my Mom, it fell to me.

It went basically the same way for both. They both slowly closed in on themselves and ended up with basically one room as their whole world.

No amount of trying could get them to change as they gradually receded from the rest of the world.

It was very stressful and very frustrating.

I wish you strength.