Anyone got any good jokes?
- Thread starter thelanx
- Start date
Seeing Eye Pilot
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using
a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle
with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter
the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at
the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that
it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're
all gonna die."
----------------------
Superbowl Tickets
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from
his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the
seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is
closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty
seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides
to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around
the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob
again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who
in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl
and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married
in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you
find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
----------------------
Twenty Years
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from
their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound
downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner
facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" She asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he
replied. "And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry
you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
"I would have gotten out today"
----------------------
Quit While You're Ahead
At age 4......success is.....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12.....success is.....having friends.
At age 15....success is.....having a driver's license.
At age 20....success is.....having sex.
At age 35....success is....having money.
At age 50....success is....having money.
At age 60....success is....having sex.
At age 70....success is....having a driver's license.
At age 75....success is....having friends.
At age 80....success is....not peeing in your pants
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using
a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle
with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter
the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at
the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that
it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're
all gonna die."
----------------------
Superbowl Tickets
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from
his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the
seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is
closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty
seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides
to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around
the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob
again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who
in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl
and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married
in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you
find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
----------------------
Twenty Years
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from
their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound
downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner
facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" She asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he
replied. "And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry
you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
"I would have gotten out today"
----------------------
Quit While You're Ahead
At age 4......success is.....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12.....success is.....having friends.
At age 15....success is.....having a driver's license.
At age 20....success is.....having sex.
At age 35....success is....having money.
At age 50....success is....having money.
At age 60....success is....having sex.
At age 70....success is....having a driver's license.
At age 75....success is....having friends.
At age 80....success is....not peeing in your pants
Doctor visit
A brunette walks into the doctor's office complaining that everything hurts when she touches it.
"That's impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The brunette touches her elbow and howls in pain. She touches her ankle and almost passes out. She pokes at her ear and screeches.
The doctor is stunned. Then, he takes a closer look at her. "You're really a blond aren't you?"
"Yes" says the blond.
The doctor smiles and says he knows what's wrong. "Your finger is broken."
-------------------
The old timer lovers (please skip if you don't care for possibly offensive jokes)
At a retirement home, there was an elderly couple having an illicit love affair. The man, Ralph, was 77. The object of his affection, Susan, was wheelchair bound and a sprightly 75. Their passionate love making consists of them watching Jay Leno side by side in Susan's room, with Susan's hand wrapped around Ralph's little lovemaker. And they would just sit and watch Leno. When it was over, Ralph would return to his room. The next evening, they would do the same. This continued for some time, when one night Ralph didn't show up.
"Where could Ralph be?" wondered Susan. She missed their usual session and hoped nothing was wrong. "I'll just go looking for him tomorrow" she says. She woke up bright and early and went looking for Ralph. She spotted him in the rec room. "Where the hell were you last night?"
"Susan, I have a confession to make. I started seeing another person."
Susan, stunned, asks "Who?"
"I've been seeing Lois. After we finish watching Leno, I go to her room and watch Conan. We sit side by side and she holds my penis in her hand while we watch TV."
"But...that's what we do!?!?! Why are you seeing her then? What's she got that I don't?"
"Parkinsons..."
A brunette walks into the doctor's office complaining that everything hurts when she touches it.
"That's impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The brunette touches her elbow and howls in pain. She touches her ankle and almost passes out. She pokes at her ear and screeches.
The doctor is stunned. Then, he takes a closer look at her. "You're really a blond aren't you?"
"Yes" says the blond.
The doctor smiles and says he knows what's wrong. "Your finger is broken."
-------------------
The old timer lovers (please skip if you don't care for possibly offensive jokes)
At a retirement home, there was an elderly couple having an illicit love affair. The man, Ralph, was 77. The object of his affection, Susan, was wheelchair bound and a sprightly 75. Their passionate love making consists of them watching Jay Leno side by side in Susan's room, with Susan's hand wrapped around Ralph's little lovemaker. And they would just sit and watch Leno. When it was over, Ralph would return to his room. The next evening, they would do the same. This continued for some time, when one night Ralph didn't show up.
"Where could Ralph be?" wondered Susan. She missed their usual session and hoped nothing was wrong. "I'll just go looking for him tomorrow" she says. She woke up bright and early and went looking for Ralph. She spotted him in the rec room. "Where the hell were you last night?"
"Susan, I have a confession to make. I started seeing another person."
Susan, stunned, asks "Who?"
"I've been seeing Lois. After we finish watching Leno, I go to her room and watch Conan. We sit side by side and she holds my penis in her hand while we watch TV."
"But...that's what we do!?!?! Why are you seeing her then? What's she got that I don't?"
"Parkinsons..."
A penguin is on a road trip through Mississippi, passing through a small town when his car begins to sputter and dies. Luckily he stopped just outside of an auto shop, and he goes in and asks the mechanic if he would be able to take a look at it and figure out the problem. The guy says "Sure, give me half an hour and I should know the problem." The penguin goes outside, and there is a Safeway across the street. It's pretty warm outside, being the summer and all, so he treks over there and goes to the frozen foods section. Half an hour later, he returns to the shop and goes to the counter where the mechanic is standing. He asks him if he found the problem, and the mechanic replies, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his lips and replies, "Oh no, this is just ice cream!"
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