• We’re currently investigating an issue related to the forum theme and styling that is impacting page layout and visual formatting. The problem has been identified, and we are actively working on a resolution. There is no impact to user data or functionality, this is strictly a front-end display issue. We’ll post an update once the fix has been deployed. Thanks for your patience while we get this sorted.

Another stolen Lickens joke. Part 2.

Status
Not open for further replies.
shortylickens

shortylickens

No Lifer
Again, stolen from ORSM.

--------------------------------------
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $299 to $399, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
--
I took my Biology exam last Friday, but didn't do so well. I was asked to name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, 'black people' is not the correct answer.
--
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
--
Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya bastard, you're in that feckin' basket!"
 
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign saying "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "Where?"

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff..."

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where the past governor from up north happened to appear. She took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" she asked. Well, you might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?" The governor thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
 
You are in a very dark, damp space. The floor is squishy and it feels like you are sinking. Something is shuffling very close to you. It might just be your imagination, but things seem to keep poking you, particularly in your meaty middle sections. Out of the corner of your eye you catch a glimpse of what might be glowing red eyes, and the unmistakable glint of slavering fangs.

To the northwest is a crumbling stone doorway through which a dim light is shining.

You had better move; the shuffling seems to be getting much, much closer.

>nw

Hall of Ancient Jokes
You are in an enormously excessive marble temple that was obviously crafted with great care by skilled artisans. Phosphorescent lichens cling to the stonework and provide a dim greenish light. Massive stone columns reach upwards into the inky darkness, supporting the cave ceiling somewhere high above. Ornate carvings of curiously flat-headed figurines are embossed on every available surface; most of the figures depict people engaged in uproarious laughter as though they were literally laughing themselves into a stupor.

Throughout the room, filling nearly every inch of floorspace, are short stone pedestals. Most of the pedestals contain only the dusty remnants of parchments that rotted ages ago. However, scattered here and there are a few scrolls that have somehow survived the ravages of time. A few of them are still readable. Fascinated, you make your way around the vast space and read some of the most awful examples of humor ever contrived by man or beast. Most of the jokes are largely concerned with toilet functions. You can only take so much of the awfulness, and you have to fight back your gag reflex.

In the distance is a golden hued pedestal that seems different from the rest. Carved on its side is a single word: "Lickens". On it lies a small piece of tan parchment that looks like it still might be legible.

>read tan parchment

"Continue reading at your own risk."

>read tan parchment

Nervously drawing a deep breath, you continue reading. Soon, you wish you had listened to your small inner voice and stopped. The joke contained on this scroll is steeped in ancient evil unfunniness. Just a few words into the body of the joke and you begin to feel the spell withering your body into old age, and yet you can't pry your eyes from the text. By the time you get to "Fridge for sale $50", you are nothing but a dried husk, somehow still supported by your spindly bones. You fall into a dead dusty heap on the floor.

Thousands of years later, a team of flat-headed archaeologists stumble upon the pile of debris that was once you. They take you back to their lab, where they painstakingly reassemble you piece by piece, and erroneously label you as a species of primitive saber-toothed goat. You languish for millenia in a museum, where children point at you and openly exclaim to each other how stupid ancient goats looked. Finally, humiliated beyond your ability to exist, you crumble into a small pile of grey ashes.

***You are dead***
Your score: -5/400
This gives you the rank of mentally retarded baboon.
 
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top