An open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger?answered.
Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.
Please note answers follow at the end of the original letter.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
d) Lev25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
Answers:
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
Answer: Yes. Any neighbor that does not appreciate a good 'ol fashioned American barbecue should be taken out and shot. Pinko bastards
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
Answer: Please send photos for proper appraisal. Some daughters are worth more than others.
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
Answer: Brother, do you need help How have you survived marriage so far without being able to detect the menstrual cycle without asking? Look for glowing red eyes, head spinning, consumption of raw meat (including children), speaking in tongues, and a generally foul disposition for 3-5 days a month. Mark it on your calendar and then plan business trips to coincide with this date for the rest of your life. As for violating God's law, don't worry, I highly doubt that you or any other man could successfully contact a woman during this period and live to tell the tale. This is one of those commandments that God gives us for our own benefit, not His.
d) Lev25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
Answer: Your friend is wrong. You are able to own either Mexicans or Canadians, and for all practical purposes, we do own them. However, your friend makes an excellent point. For example, Bob & Doug McKenzie are Canadian. Do you really want to live with them? But See, Selma Hayek, Mexicana diosa. Case closed.
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Answer: Exodus 20:13 says that you can't kill anybody yourself. Only God and governments are allowed to kill people. However, if you are really troubled by this, wait until your wife is "unclean" and then tell your sinful neighbor that your wife wants to have sex with him, right now. The rest will work itself out.
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Answer: Why do you people always want to rank sin? Does it make you feel better to say, "Sure, I'm sucking on this lobster tail, but at least I'm not sucking on Larry's tail." Shellfish, homosexuality and unclean women should not be trifled with for reasons that should be abundantly obvious to all of us by now. Stop trying to rationalize.
g) Lev21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Answer: And exactly why is it that you are going blind in the first place? The law could just as easily read, "do not approach the altar with hairy palms." Try to read these scriptures on a deeper level, spanky.
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
Answer: The scripture reads "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads" and says nothing about imposing the death penalty. Thus, leave your pointed head alone and lighten up.
i) I know from Lev11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
Answer: Modern footballs are made out of cow leather, not pigskin. However, your prior questions demonstrate that you are too stupid to play even football. Try "Chutes and Ladders."
Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.
Please note answers follow at the end of the original letter.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
d) Lev25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
Answers:
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
Answer: Yes. Any neighbor that does not appreciate a good 'ol fashioned American barbecue should be taken out and shot. Pinko bastards
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
Answer: Please send photos for proper appraisal. Some daughters are worth more than others.
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
Answer: Brother, do you need help How have you survived marriage so far without being able to detect the menstrual cycle without asking? Look for glowing red eyes, head spinning, consumption of raw meat (including children), speaking in tongues, and a generally foul disposition for 3-5 days a month. Mark it on your calendar and then plan business trips to coincide with this date for the rest of your life. As for violating God's law, don't worry, I highly doubt that you or any other man could successfully contact a woman during this period and live to tell the tale. This is one of those commandments that God gives us for our own benefit, not His.
d) Lev25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
Answer: Your friend is wrong. You are able to own either Mexicans or Canadians, and for all practical purposes, we do own them. However, your friend makes an excellent point. For example, Bob & Doug McKenzie are Canadian. Do you really want to live with them? But See, Selma Hayek, Mexicana diosa. Case closed.
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Answer: Exodus 20:13 says that you can't kill anybody yourself. Only God and governments are allowed to kill people. However, if you are really troubled by this, wait until your wife is "unclean" and then tell your sinful neighbor that your wife wants to have sex with him, right now. The rest will work itself out.
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Answer: Why do you people always want to rank sin? Does it make you feel better to say, "Sure, I'm sucking on this lobster tail, but at least I'm not sucking on Larry's tail." Shellfish, homosexuality and unclean women should not be trifled with for reasons that should be abundantly obvious to all of us by now. Stop trying to rationalize.
g) Lev21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Answer: And exactly why is it that you are going blind in the first place? The law could just as easily read, "do not approach the altar with hairy palms." Try to read these scriptures on a deeper level, spanky.
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
Answer: The scripture reads "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads" and says nothing about imposing the death penalty. Thus, leave your pointed head alone and lighten up.
i) I know from Lev11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
Answer: Modern footballs are made out of cow leather, not pigskin. However, your prior questions demonstrate that you are too stupid to play even football. Try "Chutes and Ladders."
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