Am I selfish to feel little sympathy about my uncle passing away?

[jtvang125]

I will be going back this weekend to pay my respects but I hardly know the guy. I only see him maybe once or twice a year and that was when we were still in the same town. We hardly spoke either so pretty much the only way I know him is by relations.

I also found out that he's the grandfather of one of my friends. She said it was a-holeish of me to feel this way and I should really be a more caring person.

 

[Barfo]

Not really if you hardly knew him, as long as you're not disrespectful I don't see the problem.
Just don't go around telling his close relatives how little you care.

 

[scott916]

Meh. My uncle died a couple months ago and I wasn't close to him at all either. I was sad to hear it, but it didn't affect my daily life much. Don't feel too bad.

 

[SonnyDaze]

I don't think that it's "you have little sympathy" about him or his passing. But you're probably sympathetic towards other family members that were closer to him. I see where you could not be so tore up from his death as you weren't that close to him.

 

[nakedfrog]

Originally posted by: jtvang125
I will be going back this weekend to pay my respects but I hardly know the guy. I only see him maybe once or twice a year and that was when we were still in the same town. We hardly spoke either so pretty much the only way I know him is by relations.

I also found out that he's the grandfather of one of my friends. She said it was a-holeish of me to feel this way and I should really be a more caring person.

She feels that way because he was her grandfather. People deal with grief in different ways.
I don't think it makes you an ass.

 

[ghostman]

Originally posted by: Barfo
Not really if you hardly knew him, as long as you're not disrespectful I don't see the problem.
Just don't go around telling his close relatives how little you care.

That's probably key. Not sure why you told his granddaughter you don't care, even if she was a close friend. Would you want a friend to say to you that he/she has no feelings toward the death of someone you're close to?

Having said that, I'm not close to a lot of my relatives. I have a bunch of relatives who live within a 10 block radius, but I see them maybe once every few months. They speak a different dialect, so I can't communicate with them. I don't think it's unusual if you don't feel particularly remorseful upon hearing that someone you're not close to has passed away.

 

[nublikescake]

Selfish? Probably a little. Unusual? Most certainly not. Welcome to the modern world.

 

[theprodigalrebel]

No. I felt nothing when both my paternal grandparents died. I hardly knew them, only saw them for a couple of weeks once every year. The funerals themselves were sad events but I didn't experience even a minuscule fraction of the emotion I did when my Dad died recently.

You feel what you feel. Faking emotion so other people think you are not a stone-hearted asshole is not honest.

 

[trmiv]

It's not selfish at all. You can't force yourself to feel emotion for something.

 

[gorcorps]

My great aunt passed recently and I didn't feel much either. She was at all of our family parties and what not so we all were sort of close, but she's been ready to go for at least 5 years now. At 91 you can't really be too surprised when their body finally starts shutting down.

 

[AstroManLuca]

In the future it's probably better not to tell people close to the deceased that you barely knew them and don't feel sad. If they say something like "aren't you sad?" you can answer truthfully, but tactfully. Such as by saying something on the lines of "I hardly knew him but I'm sorry for your loss."

 

[nerdress]

We all deal with death in different ways--and if you hardly knew the person, you are not being selfish by admitting that you two just weren't that close. However..I'd keep that to yourself. My brother is a crier, and since I don't normally cry, he went on to call me a selfish, uncaring bitch because he didn't understand that I grieve my own way.

 

[fleshconsumed]

No. You didn't know the guy.

 

[D1gger]

Meh. I felt the same way when my brother died a couple of years ago. I hardly knew him and simply did not have enough of a relationship to care.

The real bitch was that I had to spend time over the next 8 months dealing with his estate because nobody else would.

edit: for typo.

 

[xSauronx]

Originally posted by: D1gger
Meh. I felt the same way when my brother died a couple of years ago. I hardly new him and simply did not have enough of a relationship to care.

The real bitch was that I had to spend time over the next 8 months dealing with his estate because nobody else would.

thats not like a distant uncle at all...

 

[seemingly random]

If you feel less for him than you would about some random stranger's death, I'd investigate these (lack of) feelings.

Manufacturing feelings where there were none before is much worse than no feelings at all.

Funerals are for the living. If you didn't know the person and don't have any honest feelings, keep it to yourself.

Empathy should have been a guide on how to act in this situation. This is probably what needs some more examination.

 

[nublikescake]

Originally posted by: xSauronx

Originally posted by: D1gger
Meh. I felt the same way when my brother died a couple of years ago. I hardly new him and simply did not have enough of a relationship to care.

The real bitch was that I had to spend time over the next 8 months dealing with his estate because nobody else would.

thats not like a distant uncle at all...

agreed...

 

[StinkyPinky]

Originally posted by: D1gger
Meh. I felt the same way when my brother died a couple of years ago. I hardly knew him and simply did not have enough of a relationship to care.

The real bitch was that I had to spend time over the next 8 months dealing with his estate because nobody else would.

edit: for typo.

I hope I never get to this stage with my brother. Sweet jesus

 

[rh71]

Originally posted by: trmiv
It's not selfish at all. You can't force yourself to feel emotion for something.

Exactly. To be honest though I think it's a good thing you don't have to deal with that feeling of loss. I'd have to say I didn't feel much after certain people died but I did feel sorry for those who were very close to them and lost a mother/father/etc.

 

[nanette1985]

Originally posted by: jtvang125
I will be going back this weekend to pay my respects but I hardly know the guy. I only see him maybe once or twice a year and that was when we were still in the same town. We hardly spoke either so pretty much the only way I know him is by relations.

I also found out that he's the grandfather of one of my friends. She said it was a-holeish of me to feel this way and I should really be a more caring person.

No, it was very nasty of her to talk to you that way. You "should be" a more caring person? What gives her the right to tell you how you "should be"? I assume she was upset at the passing of her grandfather and wasn't quite herself. You give allowance for that sort of thing.

You're allowed to feel any way you want. However, as others have said, it's not always a good idea to randomly blurt out your feelings. The social rules about funerals are are pretty intense - you nod sadly and you acknowledge that other people are feeling emotional. No place for you to announce that you're not feeling much sympathy. That's something you discuss with your friends instead.

One more life lesson learned.

So, your uncle is your friend's grandfather - that makes her some kind of cousin, right?

 

[Bill Brasky]

Just be supportive for others.