<< give her room buddy!~
go spend itme with your other friends, don't neglect them ^_^
unless you have no other friends....in which case go buy a fish >>
LOL! buy a fish!! Great advice heh.
the more complete each of you are, the better chance your relationship has of succeeding. If you are fulfilling each other's weaknesses, that will make it very hard for both of you to be independent later on. Remember that you will need your own friends and she will need hers. I'm 1 year out of a wonderful marriage where we were completing each other and were not complete in ourselves. As soon as one of us changed the relationship stopped working. That was super sad because we loved each other so much, but the relationship stopped functioning, so it had to end.
Now I'm looking for someone who doesn't 'need' me, but wants me. And I'm working to become the same way. Whatever you decide, make sure you get some counseling and LISTEN to what they say before you take vows. If you're both religious this is even more important, because you will try to pretend God can fix your relationship - he can listen, but only you can work on you.
Enjoy love while you can - never think it is guaranteed. And let her be her. If you need more time, think about trying another relationship with someone else to see what you like.
Now I'm looking for someone who doesn't 'need' me, but wants me. And I'm working to become the same way. Whatever you decide, make sure you get some counseling and LISTEN to what they say before you take vows. If you're both religious this is even more important, because you will try to pretend God can fix your relationship - he can listen, but only you can work on you.
Enjoy love while you can - never think it is guaranteed. And let her be her. If you need more time, think about trying another relationship with someone else to see what you like.
I need a *lot* more "space" than my husband, who tends to be with me 24/7, so it's not "unnatural" for a woman to be this way. Fortunately, he is very good about giving me space when I need it, often he can just sense it
AreaCode707
Lifer
- Sep 21, 2001
- 18,447
- 133
- 106
Are you certain that you're both on the same level in your relationship? I mean, you're talking about asking her to marry you in about three months, are you sure she's there yet?
Meanwhile, (speaking from experience from your side of the fence) be sure you've still got plenty to do when she's not there. Even in marriage you're not together 24/7 and, while you're coming together to form one couple, you're still both individuals and have to stay that way in order to remain interesting to each other. Let her have her space and see if you can scare up some more to do w/friends or on your own.
Meanwhile, (speaking from experience from your side of the fence) be sure you've still got plenty to do when she's not there. Even in marriage you're not together 24/7 and, while you're coming together to form one couple, you're still both individuals and have to stay that way in order to remain interesting to each other. Let her have her space and see if you can scare up some more to do w/friends or on your own.
Many men sometimes feel annoying when gf wants to spend all free time with her.
Men'd want to have free time on their own to chit chat with buddies, playing some games, or hanging around in this forum reading and typing all these messages, etc.
In fact, many of us love to hang out at Fry's, Best Buy, CompUSA or Circuit City, just to admire a new motherboard, heatsink, etc..
You think that you're having some wonderful/meaningful time; and your gf thinks that you're wasting time doing "stupid" stuff? You betcha...
If you think what your gf doing is a waste of time? hehe... You've got the idea.
Trust a woman? There is a Chinese saying that a woman can only be trusted 100% when she's on the altar (i.e. she's no longer a living person, hehehe...) It's not about insecured. It's just about how much time for her to cheat on you? 30 min is enough. It depends on her. And what can you do? Just live with it!
Men'd want to have free time on their own to chit chat with buddies, playing some games, or hanging around in this forum reading and typing all these messages, etc.
In fact, many of us love to hang out at Fry's, Best Buy, CompUSA or Circuit City, just to admire a new motherboard, heatsink, etc..
You think that you're having some wonderful/meaningful time; and your gf thinks that you're wasting time doing "stupid" stuff? You betcha...
If you think what your gf doing is a waste of time? hehe... You've got the idea.
Trust a woman? There is a Chinese saying that a woman can only be trusted 100% when she's on the altar (i.e. she's no longer a living person, hehehe...) It's not about insecured. It's just about how much time for her to cheat on you? 30 min is enough. It depends on her. And what can you do? Just live with it!
<< Naturally, I'd like to spend all of my free time with her >>
Translation: Jealous control freak.
<< However, she seems to be one that wants a lot more of her free time to herself >>
Translation: she does not care too much for your "desire" to be around her.
<< but the stuff she does when she's not with me is (IMHO) a waste of time. >>
So much for your respecting her individuality.
<< Right now, the only time she wants to see me is weekends. >>
Can you blame her????
<< She spends a great deal of her time with her trailer trash brother and sister-in-law. >>
Those people are her relatives. So you are equating her genes with trailer trash. How classy.
<< I just would like to think the time she spends with me is more valuable. >>
Translation: You are an egomaniac.
Finally, the answer to your question. Your predicament is NOT unique. She is a level headed person who wants to assert her individuality. You are a flaming asshole and a control freak. Pretty common, actually.
you wanna keep her give her room!
I dated a girl a few yrs back and all she wanted to do was to be together.... man that was to much, i dumped her butt!
now i'm married a little over 2 yrs.... and my wife realize we get a long better if we have a break once in a while from each other..... just like working during the day... to much time is BAD!
I dated a girl a few yrs back and all she wanted to do was to be together.... man that was to much, i dumped her butt!
now i'm married a little over 2 yrs.... and my wife realize we get a long better if we have a break once in a while from each other..... just like working during the day... to much time is BAD!
Translation: You are an egomaniac.
My good gentleperson, I do not see what sort of theory you used to claim egomania in this case. It certainly doesn't fit the APA defintion of egomania. But perhaps I am too ignorant to even begin claiming an objection to what seems to me both a misdiagnosis and a falsehood.
Finally, the answer to your question. Your predicament is NOT unique. She is a level headed person who wants to assert her individuality. You are a flaming asshole and a control freak. Pretty common, actually.
While your "honesty" seems genuinely founded on observation, I assert that is is inaccurate, at least.
Here is my take:
When one is in love, the experience and associated emotional states resulting from the relationship, the dynamics, the reciprocity, etc all contribute to the a transcendance of ego. HOWEVER. This is so out of the ordinary for most people. As Martin Buber claimed, you experience her "Thou" but that cannot be sustained on a daily basis.
Elledan has claimed here that neurobiologically, the serotonin produced is addictive. While his outlook and absolutist claims are amusing to read, he is correct in the fundamental schientific fact here.
Or to explain in psychological terms, you really love her. Thus, you would live to claim that for yoruself. Your ego has transcended but since so much of your experience is grounded in ego-ness, you don't know how to achieve that "oceanic feeling" except through objectification. To do that, you'd like to claim control. Claiming control compels you to want to spend more time with her.
She, on the other hand, is different. She either is not ready for complete commitment and wants to "discover herself" or is genuinely stifled by your advances and requires a reaction to compensate. Use the analogy of a ball in motion hitting a stationary ball hanging on a string. The stationary will move away but will come back, but then again move away and even compensate OVER the stationary position of the moving ball hits is again. Same sort of dynamic here.
Just think these things through and communicate what you're doing and why you are compelled to do something. If you want to build the relationship, you need just more than spending time. Healthy foundations are built with alot of effort and openness rather than "spending time together"
My advice is to gnosce te ipsum and to communicate.
Cheers !
My good gentleperson, I do not see what sort of theory you used to claim egomania in this case. It certainly doesn't fit the APA defintion of egomania. But perhaps I am too ignorant to even begin claiming an objection to what seems to me both a misdiagnosis and a falsehood.
Finally, the answer to your question. Your predicament is NOT unique. She is a level headed person who wants to assert her individuality. You are a flaming asshole and a control freak. Pretty common, actually.
While your "honesty" seems genuinely founded on observation, I assert that is is inaccurate, at least.
Here is my take:
When one is in love, the experience and associated emotional states resulting from the relationship, the dynamics, the reciprocity, etc all contribute to the a transcendance of ego. HOWEVER. This is so out of the ordinary for most people. As Martin Buber claimed, you experience her "Thou" but that cannot be sustained on a daily basis.
Elledan has claimed here that neurobiologically, the serotonin produced is addictive. While his outlook and absolutist claims are amusing to read, he is correct in the fundamental schientific fact here.
Or to explain in psychological terms, you really love her. Thus, you would live to claim that for yoruself. Your ego has transcended but since so much of your experience is grounded in ego-ness, you don't know how to achieve that "oceanic feeling" except through objectification. To do that, you'd like to claim control. Claiming control compels you to want to spend more time with her.
She, on the other hand, is different. She either is not ready for complete commitment and wants to "discover herself" or is genuinely stifled by your advances and requires a reaction to compensate. Use the analogy of a ball in motion hitting a stationary ball hanging on a string. The stationary will move away but will come back, but then again move away and even compensate OVER the stationary position of the moving ball hits is again. Same sort of dynamic here.
Just think these things through and communicate what you're doing and why you are compelled to do something. If you want to build the relationship, you need just more than spending time. Healthy foundations are built with alot of effort and openness rather than "spending time together"
My advice is to gnosce te ipsum and to communicate.
Cheers !
<< She spends a great deal of her time with her trailer trash brother and sister-in-law. >>
<< Nah, she's not the cheating type. We're both very religious and wouldn't be caught dead cheating on each other. >>
So, you're the religious, non-cheating type; not the religious, "love thy brother type", eh?
Well, at least you know your boundaries!
And it's not like you'll have to deal with her family EVER once you get married right? Riiiiight!
Just give her the space that she wants.......
Sounds like it will be good for the both of you.....
Sounds like it will be good for the both of you.....
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