Given how you both turned out, I don't see why you are envious of him. I would think you'd be relieved. I hope you get out of this conversation, above all, that you need to focus on what you can do to make YOUR life better, and let him work out his own problems.
I know someone who has spent her whole life trying to 'fix' other people and their problems. Guess how that worked out for her? She got abused by her first husband, two of her kids had substance abuse problems, and one kid still lives at home and is over 50 years old. Her own mental illness gets ignored by her in her zeal for making everything ok for everyone else. Her constant meddling in everyone's lives has resulted in a whole lot of people backing away from her because they just can't stand it anymore. Now she whines that nobody appreciates her. :roll: I divulge as little about my personal life and problems as possible to her so she doesn't get the idea that I want her advice or for her to DO something to fix anything, and I'm forced to be pretty close to her as she is a relative.
Er, if it's his friend he doesn't necessarily have a "right" to intervene, I don't think rights really come into it. It's perfectly legitimate though to intervene on behalf of somebody you care about. In fact there's a whole word devoted in the modern vocabulary to it: an intervention. If friends didn't participate and intervene in your life when you're in trouble they wouldn't be friends, just people you know.
An intervention tells someone "I care about you and will give you all the support you could possibly want if you want to change your life." It can also say "I can't sit by and watch you destroy yourself, so if you continue down this path, I will have to tell you goodbye."
An intervention does not involve public humiliation via blog, nor does it attempt to take away the person's right to make their own decisions by threatening to divulge personal information to the general public and asking them (the reader) to verbally or physically attack you if you do not comply. That is meddling, bullying, possibly slander, and just plain blackmail.
I didn't really get into whether how he chose to intervene was proper or not. I'm more addressing the attitude running rampant in this thread (and represented by the bolded word) that he shouldn't intervene at all.
I cut my brother off because he was a loser coke head who I did not want around my children. If he straightens up and becomes respectable in the future, the option to re-admit him to my family is there because he is my brother.
I'm quite sure I was closer to my brother than you were to this "friend", as you refer to the loser, so if I can cut my own worthless brother off, you can certainly do the same thing to your "friend".
Some folks just walk a different path....it's not your job to make them do the right thing. Especially since it's very obvious that his parents are a huge part of the problem: Enablers.
I'm quite sure I was closer to my brother than you were to this "friend", as you refer to the loser, so if I can cut my own worthless brother off, you can certainly do the same thing to your "friend".
Some folks just walk a different path....it's not your job to make them do the right thing. Especially since it's very obvious that his parents are a huge part of the problem: Enablers.
I admit after reading what everybody has said, I'm starting to come around to the idea that I should just tell the guy that, even though he has been a great friend for many years, I can't tolerate the way he is now and would rather not associate with him until he decides he wants to be more respectful to himself and his parents, get a job, and lead a decent life. And just leave it at that and move on.
That's the first common sense thing I've heard you say. Good job man!
Really though, sometimes turning your back on someone and sticking to your guns until they clean their act up is THE BEST motivational tool for them to make needed life changes.
Remember the difference as a kid when your parents got disappointed with you and just gave up vs. being angry and yelling at you. Having someone be disappointed in you and leave your life as a result really sucks.
BoomerD
No Lifer
- Feb 26, 2006
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If you and he are as tight as you say you are, it won't be an easy thing to do, but it's probably for the best. You really can't change the guy, especially since his parents are enabling him to be this way. All you're gonna do is cause stress in your life...and be a shithead in the process.
It sounds like you've come to the realization of that. :thumbsup:
Yes, I think you're being too harsh, and are probably out of your league on this issue.
It's his life, and he has the right to screw it up and hit "rock bottom". You don't have to like it. You don't have to give him money. It's your choice whether or not you give him friendship, but using friendship as a tool of force is much more likely to fail without any good results than otherwise. If I was him, I'd remember and dislike the fact that you abandoned me even if I come out of it. Is that what you want?
Ideally, your friend would get decent counseling, and you could help with that to some degree, even counseling him yourself to your ability. You might also be able to help him get a decent job and keep it, rather than just trying to use force, which neither of you like and you are likely to ultimately regret.
It's his life, and he has the right to screw it up and hit "rock bottom". You don't have to like it. You don't have to give him money. It's your choice whether or not you give him friendship, but using friendship as a tool of force is much more likely to fail without any good results than otherwise. If I was him, I'd remember and dislike the fact that you abandoned me even if I come out of it. Is that what you want?
Ideally, your friend would get decent counseling, and you could help with that to some degree, even counseling him yourself to your ability. You might also be able to help him get a decent job and keep it, rather than just trying to use force, which neither of you like and you are likely to ultimately regret.
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