- Jun 30, 2004
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I lived with my Moms and my brother in this house -- Moms' house -- since 2010. In 2017, we could no longer be in denial about Moms' growing dementia: she had broken her hip, went to the hospital and then a nursing home for a month's physical therapy. That same year, my brother's medical problems emerged requiring vascular surgery and other treatment. The ACA took great care of my brother, but he was at risk for losing his left leg at the hip, and couldn't remain on his feet for more than an hour. Moms became bed-bound in March of 2021. Bro died after New Year's 2022. Finally, Moms passed away in October 2023. I inherited the house and split the cash assets with my surviving brother in Nevada.
I have my own pre-existing conditions: COPD, high blood pressure and diabetes type 2. Cleaning up the upstairs rooms that had been occupied by Mom and Bro had been deferred. I should've started months before Moms passed away. I literally took a year to think about what was needed, and finally began doing the work at end of September.
I can only do so much in a given day because of my breathing limitations, and Moms hoarded clothing, paperwork in file cabinets, furniture and books in her crowded master bedroom -- and in the smaller bedrooms as well. This week, I purged each of the two four-drawer file cabinets. That woman saved every piece of paper she ever acquired between 1974 and 2017. This, and cleaning Bro's room, is an ongoing process and could take weeks or months. I had a friend drive up from Oceanside today to help with the file cabinets and my brother's LP record collection -- the latter destined for Good Will Industries.
After my brother had died, I contacted my cousin who was living in the area with his family, or so I thought. He was going through a bitter divorce after 30 years of marriage. While he was still living in the area, he helped me immensely with Moms before I could arrange Aid-and-attendance support from the VA. His three daughters were grown and getting ready to graduate from college. Johnny was selling his house to split the proceeds with his estranged wife. He then decided to move to Arkansas, then later to Tennessee, and then again to Florida. But he would return here every six months or so. The reason for the divorce arose from his ex-wife's methamphetamine habit. Throughout the disposition of assets and the divorce settlement, she obtained treatment, was released to a half-way house, and eventually continued living as a homeless person. My cousin wasn't much better off. He was spending his assets for travel and lodging, lucky to find a lady-friend on e-Harmony.
I had offered Johnny the option of moving in as a boarder here at the house, but he was inclined to the travel -- tired of So-Cal. He later asked me if his Ex could move in here. I thought about it. Friends advised against it. John still vouched for her as honest, not inclined to steal, simple and straight-forward. That was about six months ago.
All this time, I had struggled with what to do with myself. I could no longer be caregiver to my departed Moms. Even when she was sleeping, and even more so when my Bro was alive and sequestered upstairs, I had a sense that "someone else was here". So from time to time since Moms' passing, if I wasn't keeping busy, this sense of being alone would affect my mood like a gray cloud.
So a couple weeks ago, John calls me to say that his Ex had to replace the engine in her Acura, and since she'd been sleeping in the car, she needed a place to stay as opposed to camping out under the freeway. And again -- John vouched for her reliability. I thought to give her trial lodging for up to a month.
We have begun to discuss an arrangement whereby she can occupy the third room upstairs, assist with the ongoing cleanup project, and otherwise assume a position as Chief of Housekeeping in return for rent-free lodging -- otherwise paying an equal share of the utility bills. After a few days of this arrangement, I think it can work.
Why wouldn't her daughters step up to provide her a place to stay? She explained it. It was partly her choice, and she was in regular contact with them.
I'm wondering if I should have some written agreement for this otherwise "rent-free" arrangement. It looks promising. But there is always some outside chance that circumstances could compel an eviction. Of course, she can leave anytime she wishes. As for her resources, she has half of my cousin's Social Security and half of his CAL-PERS retirement. This means she has $500 more in monthly income than my Moms when she was alive. She can easily afford the share of utilities, streaming subscriptions, association fees. And I won't need to feel crushed by housekeeping.
And -- finally -- I have regained a sense that "someone else is here".
I have my own pre-existing conditions: COPD, high blood pressure and diabetes type 2. Cleaning up the upstairs rooms that had been occupied by Mom and Bro had been deferred. I should've started months before Moms passed away. I literally took a year to think about what was needed, and finally began doing the work at end of September.
I can only do so much in a given day because of my breathing limitations, and Moms hoarded clothing, paperwork in file cabinets, furniture and books in her crowded master bedroom -- and in the smaller bedrooms as well. This week, I purged each of the two four-drawer file cabinets. That woman saved every piece of paper she ever acquired between 1974 and 2017. This, and cleaning Bro's room, is an ongoing process and could take weeks or months. I had a friend drive up from Oceanside today to help with the file cabinets and my brother's LP record collection -- the latter destined for Good Will Industries.
After my brother had died, I contacted my cousin who was living in the area with his family, or so I thought. He was going through a bitter divorce after 30 years of marriage. While he was still living in the area, he helped me immensely with Moms before I could arrange Aid-and-attendance support from the VA. His three daughters were grown and getting ready to graduate from college. Johnny was selling his house to split the proceeds with his estranged wife. He then decided to move to Arkansas, then later to Tennessee, and then again to Florida. But he would return here every six months or so. The reason for the divorce arose from his ex-wife's methamphetamine habit. Throughout the disposition of assets and the divorce settlement, she obtained treatment, was released to a half-way house, and eventually continued living as a homeless person. My cousin wasn't much better off. He was spending his assets for travel and lodging, lucky to find a lady-friend on e-Harmony.
I had offered Johnny the option of moving in as a boarder here at the house, but he was inclined to the travel -- tired of So-Cal. He later asked me if his Ex could move in here. I thought about it. Friends advised against it. John still vouched for her as honest, not inclined to steal, simple and straight-forward. That was about six months ago.
All this time, I had struggled with what to do with myself. I could no longer be caregiver to my departed Moms. Even when she was sleeping, and even more so when my Bro was alive and sequestered upstairs, I had a sense that "someone else was here". So from time to time since Moms' passing, if I wasn't keeping busy, this sense of being alone would affect my mood like a gray cloud.
So a couple weeks ago, John calls me to say that his Ex had to replace the engine in her Acura, and since she'd been sleeping in the car, she needed a place to stay as opposed to camping out under the freeway. And again -- John vouched for her reliability. I thought to give her trial lodging for up to a month.
We have begun to discuss an arrangement whereby she can occupy the third room upstairs, assist with the ongoing cleanup project, and otherwise assume a position as Chief of Housekeeping in return for rent-free lodging -- otherwise paying an equal share of the utility bills. After a few days of this arrangement, I think it can work.
Why wouldn't her daughters step up to provide her a place to stay? She explained it. It was partly her choice, and she was in regular contact with them.
I'm wondering if I should have some written agreement for this otherwise "rent-free" arrangement. It looks promising. But there is always some outside chance that circumstances could compel an eviction. Of course, she can leave anytime she wishes. As for her resources, she has half of my cousin's Social Security and half of his CAL-PERS retirement. This means she has $500 more in monthly income than my Moms when she was alive. She can easily afford the share of utilities, streaming subscriptions, association fees. And I won't need to feel crushed by housekeeping.
And -- finally -- I have regained a sense that "someone else is here".
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