a short poem (aka come make fun of me)

[thirtythree]

if you believe in what I can be
you will receive what you've given to me
an honest friend and a reason to care
a fitting end with nothing to fear
for you are beautiful in my eyes
the world is wonderful 'cause you're alive
and I'd give anything to make you see
you are everything that matters to me
so forget the past, we'll be born anew
I've never asked for anyone but you

I know it's not terribly original but any suggestions on ways to improve it would be appreciated. does it sound overly sentimental? I'm hoping to get a couple serious answers. so .. have fun.

 

[Orsorum]

How sweet.

 

[conjur]

That the new Justin Timberlake song?

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: Orsorum
How sweet.

haha. fvck you :frown:

just kidding...

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: conjur
That the new Justin Timberlake song?

yes. you know he doesn't write his own songs don't you?

 

[cheapgoose]

aww...a poem like that'll sure get you laid.

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: Deslocke

Originally posted by: conjur
That the new Justin Timberlake song?

yes. you know he doesn't write his own songs don't you?

:Q

 

[UglyCasanova]

I think it is nice, but very very cheesy. Not sure there is much you can do about that, but capital letters would be a start.

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: cheapgoose
aww...a poem like that'll sure get you laid.

I wouldn't bet on it. that's not really my goal anyway.

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: UglyCassanova
I think it is nice, but very very cheesy. Not sure there is much you can do about that, but capital letters would be a start.

I don't like capital letters. yes .. I was afraid it was a bit cheesy. I really hate the word cheesy though.

 

[UglyCasanova]

Originally posted by: Deslocke

Originally posted by: UglyCassanova
I think it is nice, but very very cheesy. Not sure there is much you can do about that, but capital letters would be a start.

I don't like capital letters. yes .. I was afraid it was a bit cheesy. I really hate the word cheesy though.

Sorry guy, but there is no other word to describe it. Anywho, I think I'm going to get some shut eye.

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: UglyCassanova

Originally posted by: Deslocke

Originally posted by: UglyCassanova
I think it is nice, but very very cheesy. Not sure there is much you can do about that, but capital letters would be a start.

I don't like capital letters. yes .. I was afraid it was a bit cheesy. I really hate the word cheesy though.

Sorry guy, but there is no other word to describe it. Anywho, I think I'm going to get some shut eye.

how about corny? hokey?

 

[UglyCasanova]

Originally posted by: Deslocke

Originally posted by: UglyCassanova

Originally posted by: Deslocke

Originally posted by: UglyCassanova
I think it is nice, but very very cheesy. Not sure there is much you can do about that, but capital letters would be a start.

I don't like capital letters. yes .. I was afraid it was a bit cheesy. I really hate the word cheesy though.

Sorry guy, but there is no other word to describe it. Anywho, I think I'm going to get some shut eye.

how about corny? hokey?

Nope, your poem is cheesy. Period.

 

[thirtythree]

fine

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Deslocke

Originally posted by: Orsorum
How sweet.

haha. fvck you :frown:

just kidding...

I was quite serious. I would not write that for a woman, at least, no woman I have met at this point in my life, save a family member.

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: Orsorum

Originally posted by: Deslocke

Originally posted by: Orsorum
How sweet.

haha. fvck you :frown:

just kidding...

I was quite serious. I would not write that for a woman, at least, no woman I have met at this point in my life, save a family member.

hah. okay. thanks then .. I think

 

[WarCon]

If its not for a girl (assuming your a guy), then you really have some "special" friends.......... (Not judging, its your life....)

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: WarCon
If its not for a girl (assuming your a guy), then you really have some "special" friends.......... (Not judging, its your life....)

I am a guy and it is for a girl.

 

[Tinkerhell]

Its good, but sounds too much like other poems. It doesn't sound unique and from your heart.