- Jul 18, 2000
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And we had the Pagans in Britain. You didn't really have the Pagans here. You had the Native Americans and it was much more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence, and... we had the Pagans. They were into sex, death, and religion in an interesting night-time telly type of way. And we had the Druids! Long white robes, long white beards, early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together; and they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one's built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the fvck a henge is! Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew them down, and three little piggies were relocated to the projects.
But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area called Salisbury Plain in the South of England. The area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ( eerie chanting ), ?cause that's good, you know. It's a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's ( singing upbeat jazzy tune ). No, there you build Trump Tower. But yeah, so they built it there. And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well! And they?re not from ?round there, that's the amazing thing! Remember, this is B.C. ( mumbles). This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover, when everyone was going, ?Is it A.D. yet?? ( mimes adjusting watch ) You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! ?Oh, it?s A.D., isn?t it? Fvcking ?ell!? And the Muslim people going, "A.D? Who's he?" Yes. ( hearty laugh from audience member ) Good laugh there!
So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away, in Wales, so these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the very living mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! That's a marvelous religion the Druids have got! Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go!" And they smashed out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on.
"All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go."
"Help you push 'em along? It's not far, is it?"
And the Druids going,
"Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well! You'll love it when you see it. I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special."
After 200 miles?
"You fvcking bastards! You never told us 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age - I don't even know where I live now! ( sighs ) I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!"
And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going,
"No, that stone and this one - can we swap them around?"
So that was the Pagans.
And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece, conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, ?cause the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos? You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, ?cause we have these crap gods, you know?"
Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and... There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn't there?
"I am the Emperor Fabulous!"
"Oh, yes, so you are."
"Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him? really interesting guy... ?
So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for... Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church:
"Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife
And the Pope's going,
( Italian accent )"You crazy ah heck! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up? ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"
So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said:
( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic Bastard religion."
And an advisor said,
"Why not call it Church of England, Sire?"
"Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I?m Scottish myself."
So they did! That's the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church, I mean, Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know, rape and pillage, that is!
The Protestant faith was different. That started probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, " 'ang on a minute!" But in German, so, "Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avec diese Religione." He was from everywhere.
So yeah and so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. "Oh, principles! Thank God! We've got some principles." Nowadays, Church of England is much more, "Hello, how are you?" Much more a hobby-type... "Hello!" A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. "Hello, yes... ( chuckles ) Yes, that's what I thought. ( chuckles ) Do come in, you're the only one today! Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found in a hedge. Now lipstick colors this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match... And this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit??
?We will now sing hymn 405, "Oh God, What on Earth Is My Hairdo All About?" ( drearily )"Oh God, what on earth is my hai-airdo..."
There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fvcking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, all those sort of Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money - enough power and money to make Solomon blush, and they're all singing, ( dirge-like ) "Oh, God, our hope in ages past, our hope for years..." They're the only groups of people that could sing, "Hallelujah" without feeling like it's a "Hallelujah!" thing. ( drearily ) "Hallelujah, hallelujah, joyfully we lark about." It's just not kicking, is it? God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?"
God, who is James Mason.
(Imitating Mason ) "What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?"
"Don't take my name in vain, Dad!"
"Jeezy Creezy, what on Earth is that?"
"Don't call me Jeezy Creezy! Look Dad, I went down there, I taught 'em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups!
You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians... the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we've had that checked out."
"And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?"
"Oh, he's useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days."
( spookily ) "Oh... Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost... Holy Ghost!"
"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!"
"I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!"
Cause Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters. They're two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it's fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters - they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And can you think of any in the whole realm of the English-speaking literature that are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. ?Cause you identify with them, you're with them all the way! "Go Shaggy! Go Scooby!" The rest of the guys who drive the van, "Fvck off!" Scrappy Doo, a Magnum... ( shoots )
But Shaggy and Scooby; the only other character, I mean, tell me now if you can think of any character ?cause I'm willing to learn, but somebody mentioned Falstaff. A Shakespearean character! It's that level of greatness! Falstaff, you sort of identify with him, but he has a melancholy with him. But Shaggy and Scooby are upbeat all the time, saying ( imitates Scooby Doo talking ) And you love 'em! You're with 'em! There's part of us that - Shaggy and Scooby at every stage of the way.
So if you travel around the world, and, you know, ?cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you're Canadian, that helps. It works in Europe, it's very good! And the second is just say, "Shaggy and Scooby." And they go "Shaggy and Scooby!" International credit card, I think! So yeah.
So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but it was this earthy thing. Christianity had split into many different areas - Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone, ( beating drum ) "Row, you bastards!?
You know... Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go,
"Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin? I poked a badger with a spoon."
"I've never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary's and two Hello, Dolly's."
"Oh, all right..."
"Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor's wife."
"Heard it! I want an original sin."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!"
The Anglican faith doesn't have that. You'll never go,
"Vicar, I have done many bad things."
"Well, so have I."
"What shall I do?"
"Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won't remember."
Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time. You can't get really headstrong about it. You can't say, you know, like the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do assume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There's a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do assume that jihads are just like, you know, everyday three jihads are issued by every individual. It just seems they're everywhere . "The fruit shop shortchanged me! A fvcking jihad on them!"
Bump into someone, say,
"Hey! A fvcking jihad on you!"
"How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?"
"Well, 24. God, it's difficult to keep up with them!"
I just don't think that's happening. But you can't do that in Church of England, you can't say, "You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!" You can't have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England.
"Talk! Will you talk!"
"But it hurts!"
"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine..."
?Cause that's what it would be. "Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!" Students with beards, ( mimes demonstrating with picket signs ) "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" ?Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.
"Cake or death?"
"Eh, cake please."
"Very well! Give him cake!"
"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
"You! Cake or death?"
?Uh, cake for me, too, please."
"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
"Well, I meant cake!"
"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"
"Uh, cake please."
"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"
"Well, so my choice is 'or death?? I?ll have the chicken then, please.
?Taste of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much.?
? Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"
?I asked for the vegetarian."
"Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes! There we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go... Like a bit of wine? Thank you very much...you Nazi sh1thead!"
So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ?Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,
"Jesus died for your sins."
"Yeah, I know, it's great!?
?No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!?
? No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."
And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?"
Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!
Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.
"Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?"
"Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."
"Well, what about a clockwork train?"
"Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care.?
And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The ?partridge in a pear tree? song was not sung at the Last Supper.
They weren't there going,
" 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas."
"Oh, all right..."
" 'On the seventh day of Christmas...? Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up."
"Don't call me Judy, I've told you!"
"Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short."
"All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go." "Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"
"Well, I don't know? I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."
"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."
"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."
"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fvck's sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.'
"
"All right."
"Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well.....
But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area called Salisbury Plain in the South of England. The area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ( eerie chanting ), ?cause that's good, you know. It's a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's ( singing upbeat jazzy tune ). No, there you build Trump Tower. But yeah, so they built it there. And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well! And they?re not from ?round there, that's the amazing thing! Remember, this is B.C. ( mumbles). This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover, when everyone was going, ?Is it A.D. yet?? ( mimes adjusting watch ) You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! ?Oh, it?s A.D., isn?t it? Fvcking ?ell!? And the Muslim people going, "A.D? Who's he?" Yes. ( hearty laugh from audience member ) Good laugh there!
So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away, in Wales, so these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the very living mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! That's a marvelous religion the Druids have got! Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go!" And they smashed out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on.
"All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go."
"Help you push 'em along? It's not far, is it?"
And the Druids going,
"Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well! You'll love it when you see it. I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special."
After 200 miles?
"You fvcking bastards! You never told us 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age - I don't even know where I live now! ( sighs ) I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!"
And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going,
"No, that stone and this one - can we swap them around?"
So that was the Pagans.
And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece, conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, ?cause the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos? You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, ?cause we have these crap gods, you know?"
Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and... There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn't there?
"I am the Emperor Fabulous!"
"Oh, yes, so you are."
"Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him? really interesting guy... ?
So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for... Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church:
"Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife
And the Pope's going,
( Italian accent )"You crazy ah heck! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up? ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"
So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said:
( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic Bastard religion."
And an advisor said,
"Why not call it Church of England, Sire?"
"Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I?m Scottish myself."
So they did! That's the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church, I mean, Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know, rape and pillage, that is!
The Protestant faith was different. That started probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, " 'ang on a minute!" But in German, so, "Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avec diese Religione." He was from everywhere.
So yeah and so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. "Oh, principles! Thank God! We've got some principles." Nowadays, Church of England is much more, "Hello, how are you?" Much more a hobby-type... "Hello!" A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. "Hello, yes... ( chuckles ) Yes, that's what I thought. ( chuckles ) Do come in, you're the only one today! Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found in a hedge. Now lipstick colors this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match... And this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit??
?We will now sing hymn 405, "Oh God, What on Earth Is My Hairdo All About?" ( drearily )"Oh God, what on earth is my hai-airdo..."
There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fvcking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, all those sort of Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money - enough power and money to make Solomon blush, and they're all singing, ( dirge-like ) "Oh, God, our hope in ages past, our hope for years..." They're the only groups of people that could sing, "Hallelujah" without feeling like it's a "Hallelujah!" thing. ( drearily ) "Hallelujah, hallelujah, joyfully we lark about." It's just not kicking, is it? God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?"
God, who is James Mason.
(Imitating Mason ) "What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?"
"Don't take my name in vain, Dad!"
"Jeezy Creezy, what on Earth is that?"
"Don't call me Jeezy Creezy! Look Dad, I went down there, I taught 'em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups!
You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians... the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we've had that checked out."
"And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?"
"Oh, he's useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days."
( spookily ) "Oh... Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost... Holy Ghost!"
"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!"
"I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!"
Cause Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters. They're two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it's fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters - they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And can you think of any in the whole realm of the English-speaking literature that are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. ?Cause you identify with them, you're with them all the way! "Go Shaggy! Go Scooby!" The rest of the guys who drive the van, "Fvck off!" Scrappy Doo, a Magnum... ( shoots )
But Shaggy and Scooby; the only other character, I mean, tell me now if you can think of any character ?cause I'm willing to learn, but somebody mentioned Falstaff. A Shakespearean character! It's that level of greatness! Falstaff, you sort of identify with him, but he has a melancholy with him. But Shaggy and Scooby are upbeat all the time, saying ( imitates Scooby Doo talking ) And you love 'em! You're with 'em! There's part of us that - Shaggy and Scooby at every stage of the way.
So if you travel around the world, and, you know, ?cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you're Canadian, that helps. It works in Europe, it's very good! And the second is just say, "Shaggy and Scooby." And they go "Shaggy and Scooby!" International credit card, I think! So yeah.
So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but it was this earthy thing. Christianity had split into many different areas - Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone, ( beating drum ) "Row, you bastards!?
You know... Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go,
"Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin? I poked a badger with a spoon."
"I've never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary's and two Hello, Dolly's."
"Oh, all right..."
"Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor's wife."
"Heard it! I want an original sin."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!"
The Anglican faith doesn't have that. You'll never go,
"Vicar, I have done many bad things."
"Well, so have I."
"What shall I do?"
"Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won't remember."
Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time. You can't get really headstrong about it. You can't say, you know, like the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do assume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There's a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do assume that jihads are just like, you know, everyday three jihads are issued by every individual. It just seems they're everywhere . "The fruit shop shortchanged me! A fvcking jihad on them!"
Bump into someone, say,
"Hey! A fvcking jihad on you!"
"How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?"
"Well, 24. God, it's difficult to keep up with them!"
I just don't think that's happening. But you can't do that in Church of England, you can't say, "You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!" You can't have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England.
"Talk! Will you talk!"
"But it hurts!"
"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine..."
?Cause that's what it would be. "Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!" Students with beards, ( mimes demonstrating with picket signs ) "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" ?Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.
"Cake or death?"
"Eh, cake please."
"Very well! Give him cake!"
"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
"You! Cake or death?"
?Uh, cake for me, too, please."
"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
"Well, I meant cake!"
"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"
"Uh, cake please."
"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"
"Well, so my choice is 'or death?? I?ll have the chicken then, please.
?Taste of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much.?
? Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"
?I asked for the vegetarian."
"Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes! There we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go... Like a bit of wine? Thank you very much...you Nazi sh1thead!"
So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ?Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,
"Jesus died for your sins."
"Yeah, I know, it's great!?
?No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!?
? No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."
And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?"
Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!
Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.
"Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?"
"Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."
"Well, what about a clockwork train?"
"Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care.?
And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The ?partridge in a pear tree? song was not sung at the Last Supper.
They weren't there going,
" 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas."
"Oh, all right..."
" 'On the seventh day of Christmas...? Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up."
"Don't call me Judy, I've told you!"
"Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short."
"All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go." "Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"
"Well, I don't know? I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."
"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."
"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."
"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fvck's sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.'
"
"All right."
"Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well.....
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