A Really Bad Hump Day Joke

[Infos]

Try to imagine this joke being told by someone who can barely speak English





Honda

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large volumes. Additionally, the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people think?

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physician's aid.
After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing.
Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem."

"What is it?" the man asked.

"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.

"That's easy," replied the dentist.


"Everyone knows, abscess makes the fart go Honda."





:disgust:
I promise to balance this off with a funnier one later today

 

[Ns1]

i don't get it....

 

[VirusDub]

<< i don't get it.... >>

I'll second that...

 

[notfred]

I get it, it's just lame.

 

[Infos]

Apparently neither of you guys have never had a long distance love affair

 

[VirusDub]

<< Apparently neither of you guys have never had a long distance love affair >>

Nope, sorry. I get it now, it's just lame. Powerfully lame.

 

[Infos]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile)
changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God replies, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion

2. it chatters at high speeds

3. the rear end wobbles too much, and

4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention that yours."

 

[randadore]

man, that was sooooooooooooooooooooo lame.

thx for trying though. i could use a good joke now and then. what else do you have?

 

[Infos]

This is for those who are defend stupid laws

AMERICAN SEX LAWS CURRENTLY ON THE BOOKS

* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to
shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse
during sex.

* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day.

* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so
requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you - or
holding you in his arms.

* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if
they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're
safe from the law!)

* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a
couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on
the floor between the beds!

* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they
are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless
they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!

* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil service job - for men only - called a corset
inspector.)

* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."

* It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind,
honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before
getting out of his car to investigate.

* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.

* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they
are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

* A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

* Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a
man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

* No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

:Q

 

[Infos]

All male classes are prepared and presented by females only
and all female classes are prepared and presented by males.

SEMINARS FOR MALES

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
7. Basic laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. (formerly "Take a shower")
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson,
especially when naked!")
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
36. Asking for directions - not a leading cause of death

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

1. "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and law enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
6. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
7. Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since
Puberty -- Deal With It)
10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
16. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
17. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your
Side
18. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
19. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
20. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
21. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
22. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the
embarrassment)
23. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
24. What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
25. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
26. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
27. Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
28. "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
29. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
30. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child
Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

Please sign up early. Seats are very limited!!!




So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor,
I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose
with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.

The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,

"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you.
I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says,
"By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[Jeff7]

Oh god. *sigh* That was....almost worth reading.

Thanks for bringing back another of your joke threads, Infos. Got this page bookmarked.



In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day

Oh yeah, OH YEAH...OH YEAH, I caught a pike!!! Uh oh, got the hook caught....:Q



An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!
Walk-in meat storage? Hmm.......more like "slide-in" 'meat' storage...


There was a civil service job - for men only - called a corset
inspector.
Hmm, bra inspector, panty inspector....

 

[Infos]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother
appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three
wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."









Okay Now I think this one is really funny



Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and his girlfriend Marie are having a
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
"Pierre, kiss me!".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot,
and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.

So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her tits.

"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat
I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear,
"Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles
it all over her bush.
He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams,
"PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot,
and when I go down, I go down in flames!"







I'm still laughing.......goodnight all

 

[Ameesh]

<< 17. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your >>




hahahahaha

 

[Infos]

I know the first one sucks but I really do like the frenchman one

 

[Halogen]

your jokes suck ass

 

[Infos]

This from a moron who quotes pulp fiction :disgust:

 

[SWScorch]

oh I get it now. Dumb.

 

[Infos]

Internet Humor: Microsoft Windows Keyboard
_______________________________________________________

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC
keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition
to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows
computing even more fun!
The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions.
The keys proposed so far are:

1) GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed.
Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows
users time by eliminating the need to run an application
in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key--When this key is pressed, money is
transferred automatically from your bank account to
Microsoft without the need for further action or third
party intervention.

3) ZD key--This key was developed specifically for
reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts
random superlative adjectives in any text which contains
the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being
edited.

4) MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled
"Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key--Self explanatory.

6) Chicago key--Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating
systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft
and deletes them.






This joke in honor of having to re-format my hard drive after WXP
refused to start.
friggin nasty hive messages:|

 

[Jeff7]

Keep 'em coming; despite some people's thoughts, I like these jokes. Even if they're horribly lame like that abcess one.


Here's one for those who have played Giants: Citizen Kabuto.
When building a base as Delphi, what do the Smarties use for energy?










Soular Power.

 

[yakko]

I like the Frenchman one.