- May 18, 2001
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11 And in those days, there lived a humble man named Ned, of the clan of the Nuclearites. Ned was a shepherd and watched over many sheep, daily praying to the Lord with furrowed brow that not one of them should crash the servers.
12 Now Ned was married to a woman of the Pianoteacherites. She did not walk in the blameless and upright ways of Ned. Great was her wickedness, and she caused him much anguish.
13 Like his father, and his fathers before him, Ned was accustomed to showering nightly, for it cleansed the stench from his body, and great was the relief of the people. Nightly did he shower, and never once did he stray from the righteous path of showering during that darkened portion of the day that is known as night.
14 Lo and behold, one evening while Ned exposed his nakedness in observance of his customary ritual, he came to the realization that there was no soap. Throughout all the house did he search, and though he looked in every darkened corner, of all the soap that could normally be found there was now none. No, not even a chip of a bar.
15 Ned’s wife was in charge of restocking the household larders and closets with goods and wares purchased from the market. Barter for items needed she would, bringing home the fruit of her purchases for Ned to partake and enjoy. But though it was rightfully her place to ensure proper soapfulness in the household of Ned, there was none to be found.
16 There was wailing and gnashing of teeth. Great was the wrath of Ned, and his anger burned hotly towards the evil woman.
17 As Ned thought about those things with which he would accuse her and his holy justice that would soon follow, a vision of greater wisdom descended upon him, showing him a glimpse of where the wayward path upon which his feet trod would go. A miserable end of wrath and destruction coming from the woman heaped upon Ned was foretold.
18 “Who art thou that thou accuseth me of forgetfulness and sloth? Am I not the one who scrubeth thy toilets from the morning until the setting of the sun? And though I forgot to buy the soap this week, what is that to you? Doest thou not knowest the location of the Walmart? Is something amiss with thine ass that thou may not get it up and haul it down the road, where thou mayest buy soap of thine own?”
19 “And furthermore, who told thee that thou couldst use such a tone with me in mine presence? Am I not the keeper of the Nookie? Verily I tell you the truth, if thou doest not confess the wickedness of thine words, repent thy transgressions, then beg for forgiveness on bended knee, there shall be no Nookie, forever and ever, amen. How can there be any Nookie when thou failest to keep my commandments? Surely I will smite thy ambitions of getting laid, and thou shalt get none for the rest of thy life.”
20 Ned wept.
21 Then Ned realized that all these sayings were but a pondering in his mind. Ned chose the honorable action of biting his tongue, greatly relieved and full of joy at the tragedy he narrowly avoided. Though he would later smell like a girl, he decided that shampoo would probably suds up a washcloth just as well anyway.
12 Now Ned was married to a woman of the Pianoteacherites. She did not walk in the blameless and upright ways of Ned. Great was her wickedness, and she caused him much anguish.
13 Like his father, and his fathers before him, Ned was accustomed to showering nightly, for it cleansed the stench from his body, and great was the relief of the people. Nightly did he shower, and never once did he stray from the righteous path of showering during that darkened portion of the day that is known as night.
14 Lo and behold, one evening while Ned exposed his nakedness in observance of his customary ritual, he came to the realization that there was no soap. Throughout all the house did he search, and though he looked in every darkened corner, of all the soap that could normally be found there was now none. No, not even a chip of a bar.
15 Ned’s wife was in charge of restocking the household larders and closets with goods and wares purchased from the market. Barter for items needed she would, bringing home the fruit of her purchases for Ned to partake and enjoy. But though it was rightfully her place to ensure proper soapfulness in the household of Ned, there was none to be found.
16 There was wailing and gnashing of teeth. Great was the wrath of Ned, and his anger burned hotly towards the evil woman.
17 As Ned thought about those things with which he would accuse her and his holy justice that would soon follow, a vision of greater wisdom descended upon him, showing him a glimpse of where the wayward path upon which his feet trod would go. A miserable end of wrath and destruction coming from the woman heaped upon Ned was foretold.
18 “Who art thou that thou accuseth me of forgetfulness and sloth? Am I not the one who scrubeth thy toilets from the morning until the setting of the sun? And though I forgot to buy the soap this week, what is that to you? Doest thou not knowest the location of the Walmart? Is something amiss with thine ass that thou may not get it up and haul it down the road, where thou mayest buy soap of thine own?”
19 “And furthermore, who told thee that thou couldst use such a tone with me in mine presence? Am I not the keeper of the Nookie? Verily I tell you the truth, if thou doest not confess the wickedness of thine words, repent thy transgressions, then beg for forgiveness on bended knee, there shall be no Nookie, forever and ever, amen. How can there be any Nookie when thou failest to keep my commandments? Surely I will smite thy ambitions of getting laid, and thou shalt get none for the rest of thy life.”
20 Ned wept.
21 Then Ned realized that all these sayings were but a pondering in his mind. Ned chose the honorable action of biting his tongue, greatly relieved and full of joy at the tragedy he narrowly avoided. Though he would later smell like a girl, he decided that shampoo would probably suds up a washcloth just as well anyway.
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