A public service announcment for guys about marriage

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,542
921
126
OK guys, I was talking last night and we got a consensus of at least ten guys that the following is what lies ahead for you in marriage. So think carefully before you pop the question.

Year one: Sex, sex, sex. All you could want. On the floor, in the woods, the car, the beach. Every time you?re alone, you?re banging like rabbits. Nothing is off limits. Nowhere either one of you won?t lick, tickle or tease. Each time you look at her naked body, you are filled with gratitude that God has given you this woman.

Year two: It slows down, but you try to keep it hot just out of fear. You don?t want to become one of those couples. But now there?s no more spontaneous blowjobs. Things are more routine, but that?s OK because you?re still getting it regular and you?re happy.

Years 3-5: Along comes the house and kids. Through it all, you find less and less time or reason to have sex. You go from 7 or more orgasms a week down to probably once a month. You get a bloated beer belly and your love handles turn into big bulges. She gets flabby with baby weight that just won?t go away. The second kid is even worse. She refuses to get stitched up after the second kid and so she?s now so loose you can?t even come inside her. When you do have sex, it?s like fvcking a bowl of pudding.

Years 5-7: You decide to get back in shape, to try to revive your sex life. You get trimmed down at the gym, almost to where you were before marriage. She gives it a half-hearted effort, but can?t make much progress. She refuses to wear any lingerie you buy her, instead coming to bed in a T-shirt (if you?re lucky) or a torn up set of PJs. And you now have to beg and schedule sex, which is cold and automatic. You now are masturbating regularly. In the shower, in the bathroom at work, anywhere, anytime you have a private moment. But the effect is minimal and you are constantly horny. For the first time, you will contemplate divorce. You?ll visit web sites about it and perhaps skim a book in the bookstore about divorce.

Years 7-9: You find yourself staring in amazement at this woman and trying to remember when she was hot. Want a preview? Picture your girlfriend, now thicken up her arms by a third. Picture her ass all flattened and her legs thicker and more muscular. When you do convince her to make love, she usually quickly gets on her knees for you to enter her from behind and asks you not to fvckup her cold cream while you?re doing her. She?s dry as a bone and the scent of unwashed ass wafts up as you?re trying to bang her. She is hoping for another baby, but it seems unlikely. Your stomach churns at just the thought. By now you?ve had an affair or two. Maybe a crazy chick at the office or a couple hookers now and then, but the stress of it is too much. You are in disbelief that you are actually now masturbating in bed beside her as she snores.

Year 9: It?s over. You occasionally score some outside poontang, but it?s expensive. Your wife now openly scorns any advances you make. If you suggest she get in shape, she labels you a woman-hater. Real men like women with curves, not sticks. Curves, sure, you think, but not roll after roll of blubber. She has stopped shaving, so that if you try to go down on her the hair is everywhere, matted and full of snarls. You hope to God she?s banging someone on the side, but you know it?s unlikely. You try to titty fvck her, but she doesn?t like that. There?s now no way to have an orgasm while you?re actually touching her.

Year 10: You can?t sleep through the night. Even masturbating doesn?t help. You surf the Web or drink into the wee hours, praying for death?s sweet release to come and take you or her. You?ve talked with a lawyer, but after he lays out the reality for you, you know that can?t afford divorce unless you?re prepared to live in your parent?s basement while all your income goes toward maintaining your wife and kids. Plus, you love the kids. You can?t bear the thought of splitting up their family. Your future stretches before you like a desert, baking and sucking the life out of anything that tries to cross it.

 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,542
921
126
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:
 
Nov 3, 2004
10,491
22
81
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:

I sense an uneasy laugh there :p
 

Goosemaster

Lifer
Apr 10, 2001
48,775
3
81
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:

....the real question is, is the van still 'a rockin' and is what I would find goin' on in said van still shocking?;)
 

Ulfwald

Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
May 27, 2000
8,646
0
76
DAMN!!! You got some pretty screwed up views there bubba.
 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,542
921
126
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:

I sense an uneasy laugh there :p

Keep working on those powers jr. You have a long way to go. ;)
 

Goosemaster

Lifer
Apr 10, 2001
48,775
3
81
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:

I sense an uneasy laugh there :p

seriously.....my little guy nearly had a stroke after I read that....
 

Goosemaster

Lifer
Apr 10, 2001
48,775
3
81
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:

I sense an uneasy laugh there :p

Keep working on those powers jr. You have a long way to go. ;)

Keep working on getting the woman to put out jr. You have a long way to go.



:evil:







j/king of course
 

JulesMaximus

No Lifer
Jul 3, 2003
74,542
921
126
Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:

....the real question is, is the van still 'a rockin' and is what I would find goin' on in said van still shocking?;)

We don't own a van...

When did this thread become about me? :confused:
 

Goosemaster

Lifer
Apr 10, 2001
48,775
3
81
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: Goosemaster
Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Originally posted by: IAteYourMother
lol, is this your 3rd year of marriage now? ;)

No, I've actually been married for 13 years. My wife weighs 2 lbs more than she did when we married (she's up to a whopping 127lbs now). Trust me, this isn't about me. :laugh:

....the real question is, is the van still 'a rockin' and is what I would find goin' on in said van still shocking?;)

We don't own a van...

When did this thread become about me? :confused:

yesterday at the essential staff meeting....what, you didn't get the memo?



<--yaking your chain as hard as he physically can...
 

Svnla

Lifer
Nov 10, 2003
17,986
1,388
126
Is this why 51% of marriage will end up in divorces?

Edit: Geez, this is why I am still single. Maybe I need to fly back home and get a pre arrange wife by mom? She is a doctor, cute, fun, and still a virgin. Tempting.
 

Svnla

Lifer
Nov 10, 2003
17,986
1,388
126
Originally posted by: spidey07
Watch American Beauty.

It describes it perfectly.

I laugh so hard when the guy mastubated while his wife was asleep right beside him.

So sad. It is like having a cow but you can't milk it but have to feed it and taken care of it.