Presidential Job Application
JOHN KERRY RESUME
My name is John Kerry and I would like to report for duty. Here is my resume for your review.
(We've never had an ethics problem with two Democratic lawyers in the Whitehouse before - why worry now?)
NAME: John F. Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, all worth multimillions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. (Source: Congressional Record) I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant which I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. (Source: Boston Globe)
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and served four months in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming that I and they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Of course I did not report these atrocities when they happened nor did I try to stop them. (Source: My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!)
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. (Source: Registrar @ Yale University and many national news media) Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I was Lietenant Governor under Michael Dukakis and I ran George McGovern's campaign. I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa. (Source: Every major news media)
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Name one!
But, as a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability ! to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation.(Source: Congressional Record) I have no plan (well, I have a plan but it's a secret) to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. (Source: Every major news media, based on what he has promised.)
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million. (Source: Campaign Disclosure Act)
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe.(Source: US News and World Report, Time) We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I like to blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of the US.
I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, while! Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. (Source: Boston Globe)
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
Name one thing that I have done in my 20+ years in Congress that is noteworthy PERSONAL I ride a Serotta Bike.* My Gulfstream V Jet, I call The Flying Squirrel.* I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht! The "Scarmouche." * I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture. (Source: Time)
I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems. I also own an Audi but I told the auto workers union I only buy US made vehicles. (Source: Time )
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004
JOHN KERRY RESUME
My name is John Kerry and I would like to report for duty. Here is my resume for your review.
(We've never had an ethics problem with two Democratic lawyers in the Whitehouse before - why worry now?)
NAME: John F. Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, all worth multimillions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. (Source: Congressional Record) I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant which I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. (Source: Boston Globe)
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and served four months in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming that I and they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Of course I did not report these atrocities when they happened nor did I try to stop them. (Source: My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!)
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. (Source: Registrar @ Yale University and many national news media) Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I was Lietenant Governor under Michael Dukakis and I ran George McGovern's campaign. I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa. (Source: Every major news media)
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Name one!
But, as a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability ! to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation.(Source: Congressional Record) I have no plan (well, I have a plan but it's a secret) to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. (Source: Every major news media, based on what he has promised.)
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million. (Source: Campaign Disclosure Act)
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe.(Source: US News and World Report, Time) We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I like to blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of the US.
I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, while! Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. (Source: Boston Globe)
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
Name one thing that I have done in my 20+ years in Congress that is noteworthy PERSONAL I ride a Serotta Bike.* My Gulfstream V Jet, I call The Flying Squirrel.* I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht! The "Scarmouche." * I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture. (Source: Time)
I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems. I also own an Audi but I told the auto workers union I only buy US made vehicles. (Source: Time )
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004
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