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A poem

SithSolo1

SithSolo1

Diamond Member
Promises

Waiting. Waiting.
Silence surrounds and envelopes as time ticks on.
Tick tock, Tick tock, Tick BRIIING.
A phone rings.
Pick it up stupid.
Hello?
?Hey??
A spark goes supernova.
??how are you??
You?re fine, really, just say it.
I?m good, what?s up?
?Listen, I know I promised we?d??
The sound is received but comprehension is on break.
Break is over.
?but??
A mind races, scenarios flying in all directions like autumn leaves in a stark wind.
??you later.?
A voice fails.
?Bye.?
A mind stops, a heart falls.
bye.
A fire burns cold.
 
Brittany says you captured her voice perfectly. Oh, and she says Hi!
 
Ok, ok so I guess it wasn't as good as I thought it was. And yes I probably need to get laid. Also on another note, so far Leaving Los Vegas is a really good movie. For those of you with Charter cable its on Star On-Demand right now.
 
Ok, you asked. Keep in mind that I'm really opinionated about literature in general, and especially poetry.

A few observations: You have no cadence, no flow, no pleasing visual layout or style. There isn't even any rhyming to make it a limerick, and it sounds halting, boring, and ridiculous when spoken aloud.
Any of the above characteristics would have meant that it was a poem; since you failed to meet any of them, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it isn't poetry by anyone's definition but your own. It reminds me of bad performance art, only worse.

Cheer up, emo kid. A few suggestions: try reading your work aloud. If it sounds like a bunch of sentences that you broke up and called poetry, keep working. If it sounds stupid, keep working. Also, try using some patterns; even if you don't repeat words or lines, try to stick to some sort of cadence or line pattern. Random phrases aren't poetry.
 
The more I read it the more I agree with you. It kinda reminds me of the stuff they dish out at those stoned-jazz poetry night things you always see on tv but worse. Ok so a poet I am not nor am I even close. Back to the drawing board. I also really don't think I qualify for emo though I really don't know.
 
Originally posted by: SithSolo1
Promises


A phone rings.
Pick it up stupid.
Hello?
?Hey??
A spark goes supernova.
Click to expand...


Pick up stupid? That is not very poetic. And what is the deal with the "spark goes supernova."? I do not see how that adds, says, or for that matter really means anything.

I give this poem a C-. Class Dismissed.
 
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