a poem I wrote during a realy rough spot in my life

[ahenkel]

Changing the title to Poem is like airbrushing the Mona Lisa.

 

[brianmanahan]

That doesn't even make sense.

yes it does, a flower is trapped in a dark crack in the sadewalk, and in the same way i feel trapped in my room and unable to escape

 

[TheInternet1980]

Holy shit. This thread delivers.

 

[zinfamous]

yes it does, a flower is trapped in a dark crack in the sadewalk, and in the same way i feel trapped in my room and unable to escape

as long as it blooms, it is free. A flower is a sessile organism, anyway, so it wouldn't be going anywhere if it were growing in a field.

The metaphor of a flower growing through a sidewalk is the exact opposite of being trapped--it is breaking free of shackles, it is persevering, it is nature triumphing over modernization, over perversion of purity, etc.

It is, in fact, the exact opposite of what you want to convey, as the flower has escaped despite all the concrete trying to keep it down. .

This is the kind of hilarious misuse of metaphor that makes this pome rock, btw.

 

[stargazr]

No. A flower or especially a single blade of grass growing between the cracks shows the possibility of a single seed of hope, faith, love; whatever you want to call it it's positive.

I'm reminded of a line in Papillon. Steve McQueen's character is floating on a raft in the ocean after years of cruelty and failed escapes in the hands of his French captors -

"I'm still here you bastards."

 

[SphinxnihpS]

I think it's ridiculous to actually disect poetry this bad. The only valid criticsm one could offer the author of this (assuming he is older than 12) is to quit doing it.

This entire exercise reminds me of a quote from Flannery O'Conner, who when asked if the experience of modern college writing programs stifles young writers, replied, "It doesn't stifle enough of them!"

 

[BoomerD]

Y'know...Neckbeard admits to being bi-polar...I wonder if this is his "other side."

There are a lot of similarities in posting styles.

 

[bignateyk]

I can has pome?

 

[brianmanahan]

Y'know...Neckbeard admits to being bi-polar...I wonder if this is his "other side."

There are a lot of similarities in posting styles.

ive never heard of this neckbeard

 

[brianmanahan]

I think it's ridiculous to actually disect poetry this bad. The only valid criticsm one could offer the author of this (assuming he is older than 12) is to quit doing it.

i would first like to see a pome you have written, if you are so amazing then i should think you should have given an example worthy of proof that you can critisize me

 

[Wyndru]

You are really proud of this thread. Keep on bumping.

 

[Terzo]

Quick of tongue and sharp of wit
Never holding back a bit
The one thing that he'd never miss
Ending everyone knows this.

 

[zinfamous]

lol.

sweet bump.

 

[SolMiester]

wow, not sure if its a good pome or not, but i reckon you need help!

 

[Soundmanred]

i would first like to see a pome you have written, if you are so amazing then i should think you should have given an example worthy of proof that you can critisize me

Can an ugly man judge beauty?
Can a listener judge music?
Can a man who has committed no crime judge those who have?
I think you know the answer, Brian.
I think you do.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Stop bumping this ridiculous thread, it only makes you look more foolish.

 

[Mr. Pedantic]

wow, not sure if its a good pome or not, but i reckon you need help!

Help with spelling first and foremost.

i would first like to see a pome you have written, if you are so amazing then i should think you should have given an example worthy of proof that you can critisize me

We don't all have to novelists to recognize a crappy book when we see one. Similarly, we don't all need to be Nobel Laureate poets to tell your poem is, to put it charitably, not exactly pleasant.

like a flower in a crack in the sidewark
do i cower in the dark
corner of my room

First of all...what? I thought the point of flowers in sidewalk cracks is they grow. They don't cower in the dark.

Also, this stanza gives the impression (disregarding the first line because it has nothing to do with the rest of it) that you are hiding because you want to. Your room is supposed to be a controlled environment; My house my castle kind of thing. So...why are you being a recluse? Because you want to. Why are you afraid? Because you want to.

and like a lark on a lagoon in a park
i disembark
on a loneley juorney of life

WTF does a lagoon have to do with a park?

Doesn't disembarking from the journey of life (if I knew how disembark on a journey) mean you die? So...where did this poem come from? Do you believe in reincarnation?

Also, why is your life any more or less lonely than anyone else's? Because you're 375 pounds? Do something about it.

and like an eelecrtrical spark
i arc
back and forth between pain & sorroow

About the only thing right about this is that you spelled arc correctly. I don't get this. Does this mean that your pain and sorrow are superficial and quickly passed? Does this mean that you disappear after a while? Not sure about what you're trying to communicate, to be honest. To me arcs are an embodiment of showiness and action, of majestic beauty. And saying that you arc between pain and sorrow just destroys the whole point of the arcing.

and like a sand shark
i sit and lurk without remark
theres nothing left 2 say

Why sand shark? Poetry is very conservative; every word has to have a meaning. What extra does specifying the type of shark convey to the reader?

Also, the comparison with a shark is, to say the least, insulting to the shark. The shark is not depressed. The shark does not say something because there is nothing to say. The shark does not lurk around because it has nothing better to do.

-and like a treasure ship without a letter of marque
im an easy mark, for the pirates i call my friends
my life is one big question mark

Don't get this one. Does this mean your friends come out of nowhere, attack you, then just disappear? This also implies that you have something valuable that other people want.

And what does likening your life to a question mark relate to being a ship?

And WTF is a treasure ship?

-andlike tony stark
i just sit in a cave with a box of scraps trying to fix my broken heart

This is horrible. Just horrible. Tony Stark...wouldn't the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz have been a better comparison? And again, why are you in a cave? Is it, similar to the beginning, because you want to be there? Or is it because, similar to Tony Stark, you are forced to be there? If you want to be there, why is it not your room? Are you just in a cave because you think Tony Stark should be in a cave? If you're forced to be there, then who is doing the forcing? Are you going to take revenge?

And this box of scraps...what significance does this have?

and like a charm quark
no body undrestands me

Why Charm quark? I would propose the Charm quark is much more important than you are.

Also, the idea that you're like an elementary particle because you are misunderstood is risible. The idea of the elementary particle is that it is currently unknown, but can theoretically be understood sometime in the future. The connotations of 'nobody understands me' is just that you are an emo and nobody understands you because you don't understand reality.

so i stand here and i
and i cover my heart in bark

Are you still in the cave? Or your room? Did you do a Phineas Fogg? Where did you get the bark? Is this a reference to barque and the pirates stanza? If so, what is the significance of this?

Poetry is not just about writing down the first word that you can think of that superficially represents what you think you feel. Poetry is not all about rhythm and rhyming, either. Poetry is about meaning. And given your word, structure, and spelling choices, you are so confusing that nobody really wants to understand you, even if they wanted to.

 

[Gibson486]

Really? You must be trolling...

I am not one to criticize others work, but you are getting really annoying with this.

Too simply put it, you are trying to hard. Much like how Liam Gallagher tries to hard with his Beady Eyes band work. Yeah, it's music, but it's horrible music.

Really, it's a poem where you try to be artsy and sophisticated, but there is no sophistication. The artsy stuff is just abstract stuff that only you can make sense of (why did you put the number 2 instead of spelling it out? It serves no purpose other than an obvious attempt to make it "different".), not that it is hard to figure out.

There is the feedback. Now you either take it like a man and improve, or you can take it like a whiny failed artist.

 

[Wyndru]

IGN Forums aren't showing him the love, which is why he keeps bumping here. His "pome" thread on IGN died off a couple of months after he posted. I guess they don't like pomes over there like AToT does.

 

[brianmanahan]

mr pedantic, thank you very much. i have never recieved such constructive critisicm from anyone before. i do not agree on all points but i defenitely see where your are coming from on some issues. i will take them to heart and use them to make my next pome ever better.

Help with spelling first and foremost.


We don't all have to novelists to recognize a crappy book when we see one. Similarly, we don't all need to be Nobel Laureate poets to tell your poem is, to put it charitably, not exactly pleasant.


First of all...what? I thought the point of flowers in sidewalk cracks is they grow. They don't cower in the dark.

Also, this stanza gives the impression (disregarding the first line because it has nothing to do with the rest of it) that you are hiding because you want to. Your room is supposed to be a controlled environment; My house my castle kind of thing. So...why are you being a recluse? Because you want to. Why are you afraid? Because you want to.


WTF does a lagoon have to do with a park?

Doesn't disembarking from the journey of life (if I knew how disembark on a journey) mean you die? So...where did this poem come from? Do you believe in reincarnation?

Also, why is your life any more or less lonely than anyone else's? Because you're 375 pounds? Do something about it.


About the only thing right about this is that you spelled arc correctly. I don't get this. Does this mean that your pain and sorrow are superficial and quickly passed? Does this mean that you disappear after a while? Not sure about what you're trying to communicate, to be honest. To me arcs are an embodiment of showiness and action, of majestic beauty. And saying that you arc between pain and sorrow just destroys the whole point of the arcing.


Why sand shark? Poetry is very conservative; every word has to have a meaning. What extra does specifying the type of shark convey to the reader?

Also, the comparison with a shark is, to say the least, insulting to the shark. The shark is not depressed. The shark does not say something because there is nothing to say. The shark does not lurk around because it has nothing better to do.


Don't get this one. Does this mean your friends come out of nowhere, attack you, then just disappear? This also implies that you have something valuable that other people want.

And what does likening your life to a question mark relate to being a ship?

And WTF is a treasure ship?


This is horrible. Just horrible. Tony Stark...wouldn't the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz have been a better comparison? And again, why are you in a cave? Is it, similar to the beginning, because you want to be there? Or is it because, similar to Tony Stark, you are forced to be there? If you want to be there, why is it not your room? Are you just in a cave because you think Tony Stark should be in a cave? If you're forced to be there, then who is doing the forcing? Are you going to take revenge?

And this box of scraps...what significance does this have?


Why Charm quark? I would propose the Charm quark is much more important than you are.

Also, the idea that you're like an elementary particle because you are misunderstood is risible. The idea of the elementary particle is that it is currently unknown, but can theoretically be understood sometime in the future. The connotations of 'nobody understands me' is just that you are an emo and nobody understands you because you don't understand reality.


Are you still in the cave? Or your room? Did you do a Phineas Fogg? Where did you get the bark? Is this a reference to barque and the pirates stanza? If so, what is the significance of this?

Poetry is not just about writing down the first word that you can think of that superficially represents what you think you feel. Poetry is not all about rhythm and rhyming, either. Poetry is about meaning. And given your word, structure, and spelling choices, you are so confusing that nobody really wants to understand you, even if they wanted to.

 

[Gibson486]

mr pedantic, thank you very much. i have never recieved such constructive critisicm from anyone before. i do not agree on all points but i defenitely see where your are coming from on some issues. i will take them to heart and use them to make my next pome ever better.

just lock this thread. Call it what it is. Poem.

 

[brianmanahan]

just lock this thread. Call it what it is. Poem.

my art transends the old definition of "poem", it is so much more than that... it is a pome.

 

[Soundmanred]

Still trollin'

 

[Joseph F]

bump for teh lulz
first time i've read through this thread... awesome

 

[schneiderguy]

 

[brianmanahan]

bump for teh lulz
first time i've read through this thread... awesome

thank you!

you mean the pome, right?