• Guest, The rules for the P & N subforum have been updated to prohibit "ad hominem" or personal attacks against other posters. See the full details in the post "Politics and News Rules & Guidelines."

A man walks into a bar...

Page 2 - Seeking answers? Join the AnandTech community: where nearly half-a-million members share solutions and discuss the latest tech.

ahurtt

Diamond Member
Feb 1, 2001
4,283
0
0
So this piece of rope walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and the bartender comes over and says, "Look, pal, we don't serve ropes in this bar. Scram!"
So the rope shuffles out of the bar, sad and thirsty for a beer. He reached the street outside the bar and then an idea struck him. The first person he saw walking by, he stopped and asked, "Excuse me, miss, I have a favor to ask you. . .I know this might sound strange but I would consider it a huge personal favor. I'd like you to pick me up and unravel my 2 ends a little bit, then tie me into a knot." The woman reluctantly agrees and oblidges his wishes. Afterward he thanks her and then heads back into the bar and props himself on the same stool. The bartender comes over looking suspiciously at the rope and asks, "Hey, aren't you that same piece of rope that was in here just a minute ago?" The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
 

imported_Cameron

Senior member
Oct 11, 2005
571
0
0
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
 

Brutuskend

Lifer
Apr 2, 2001
26,558
2
0
The other day a blind prisoner at the local jail walked into SEVERAL bars at once.

(Just made that one up.)

Yeah I know it needs work... ;)
 

funboy6942

Lifer
Nov 13, 2001
14,989
250
126
50
Originally posted by: OOBradm
Originally posted by: funboy42
A man walks into a bar..........an knocks himself out and eveyone laughs at his expense.
A man walks into a bar..........and orders a drink.
A man walks into a bar..........and stays awhile, gets drunk, hops into his car thinking he is fine to drive but ends up going the wrong way on the highway passes out and kills a family of 3 but survives to get ass raped in jail when the courts find him guilty of man slaughter in the first degree and has to serve 4 life sentances back to back with no possibility of parole and 30 years later dies of ass cancer from all the ass raping he recieved while in prision. No one misses him when he is buried and it put in the ground without one person showing up for his funeral. Ends up going straight to hell where the father of the family he killed is waiting for him (because he used to sodomize his son) and ass rapes the man thoughout his enternal damnation.
Dont drink and drive.
unecessary dude
What? It tells a story and gives good advice to all the teens.

And nope no issues here I am tottaly sane and normal human being, whats wrong with you not to understand where I was coming from?
Whats that Mother?
OK
Look guys I got to split Mom made me some tuna sandwiches.

 

BoomerD

No Lifer
Feb 26, 2006
57,566
5,869
126
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"


A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

 

Zekial

Member
Aug 30, 2006
65
0
0
drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender "bartender,...i have...a teq..tequil...beer."
bartender says "look, you're to drunk. i'm not serving you. get out of here"
few minutes later the bartender sees the drunk come stumbling in thru the side door. drunk says "bartender,...i have...a teq..tequil...tequila."
bartender says. "you're drunk. go home. i'm not serving you" the guy stumbles out..
couple minutes later the drunk comes stumbling in the back door. "bartender,...i have...a teq..tequil...tequila."
bartender says "look, i've told your twice. i'm not serving you. go home."
drunk says "Geez,...hows manys bars you works at?"
 

BlancoNino

Diamond Member
Oct 31, 2005
5,695
0
0
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender sees it and asks "What's that you got there?". The pirate replies "Yar, it's a ship's wheel, and it's drivin' me nuts!"
 

Leros

Lifer
Jul 11, 2004
21,867
7
81
Originally posted by: funboy42
Originally posted by: OOBradm
Originally posted by: funboy42
A man walks into a bar..........an knocks himself out and eveyone laughs at his expense.
A man walks into a bar..........and orders a drink.
A man walks into a bar..........and stays awhile, gets drunk, hops into his car thinking he is fine to drive but ends up going the wrong way on the highway passes out and kills a family of 3 but survives to get ass raped in jail when the courts find him guilty of man slaughter in the first degree and has to serve 4 life sentances back to back with no possibility of parole and 30 years later dies of ass cancer from all the ass raping he recieved while in prision. No one misses him when he is buried and it put in the ground without one person showing up for his funeral. Ends up going straight to hell where the father of the family he killed is waiting for him (because he used to sodomize his son) and ass rapes the man thoughout his enternal damnation.
Dont drink and drive.
unecessary dude
What? It tells a story and gives good advice to all the teens.

And nope no issues here I am tottaly sane and normal human being, whats wrong with you not to understand where I was coming from?
Whats that Mother?
OK
Look guys I got to split Mom made me some tuna sandwiches.
It's a horrible story, and it only make's you look stupid.

 

Syringer

Lifer
Aug 2, 2001
19,333
2
71
Originally posted by: funboy42
A man walks into a bar..........an knocks himself out and eveyone laughs at his expense.
A man walks into a bar..........and orders a drink.
A man walks into a bar..........and stays awhile, gets drunk, hops into his car thinking he is fine to drive but ends up going the wrong way on the highway passes out and kills a family of 3 but survives to get ass raped in jail when the courts find him guilty of man slaughter in the first degree and has to serve 4 life sentances back to back with no possibility of parole and 30 years later dies of ass cancer from all the ass raping he recieved while in prision. No one misses him when he is buried and it put in the ground without one person showing up for his funeral. Ends up going straight to hell where the father of the family he killed is waiting for him (because he used to sodomize his son) and ass rapes the man thoughout his enternal damnation.
Dont drink and drive.
:laugh: 10/10
 

TXHokie

Platinum Member
Nov 16, 1999
2,521
139
106
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
 

Quasmo

Diamond Member
Jul 7, 2004
9,631
1
76
Originally posted by: ahurtt
Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy. Why the long face?"
FIXED cause shes a horse.
 

funboy6942

Lifer
Nov 13, 2001
14,989
250
126
50
Originally posted by: Leros
Originally posted by: funboy42
Originally posted by: OOBradm
Originally posted by: funboy42
A man walks into a bar..........an knocks himself out and eveyone laughs at his expense.
A man walks into a bar..........and orders a drink.
A man walks into a bar..........and stays awhile, gets drunk, hops into his car thinking he is fine to drive but ends up going the wrong way on the highway passes out and kills a family of 3 but survives to get ass raped in jail when the courts find him guilty of man slaughter in the first degree and has to serve 4 life sentances back to back with no possibility of parole and 30 years later dies of ass cancer from all the ass raping he recieved while in prision. No one misses him when he is buried and it put in the ground without one person showing up for his funeral. Ends up going straight to hell where the father of the family he killed is waiting for him (because he used to sodomize his son) and ass rapes the man thoughout his enternal damnation.
Dont drink and drive.
unecessary dude
What? It tells a story and gives good advice to all the teens.

And nope no issues here I am tottaly sane and normal human being, whats wrong with you not to understand where I was coming from?
Whats that Mother?
OK
Look guys I got to split Mom made me some tuna sandwiches.
It's a horrible story, and it only make's you look stupid.

I pitty the people like you who have no humor what so ever and take life so seriously all the time.

And do you think I give a funk what people on the internet think of me? I got a few people I try to impress like my wife and my kids and friends who like me for me all else can go straight to hell if they do not like me for me and I am not about to change for some geeks on the internerd :p

You havent read to many of my replies or topics to understand I dont care.
 

Leros

Lifer
Jul 11, 2004
21,867
7
81
Originally posted by: funboy42
Originally posted by: Leros
Originally posted by: funboy42
Originally posted by: OOBradm
Originally posted by: funboy42
A man walks into a bar..........an knocks himself out and eveyone laughs at his expense.
A man walks into a bar..........and orders a drink.
A man walks into a bar..........and stays awhile, gets drunk, hops into his car thinking he is fine to drive but ends up going the wrong way on the highway passes out and kills a family of 3 but survives to get ass raped in jail when the courts find him guilty of man slaughter in the first degree and has to serve 4 life sentances back to back with no possibility of parole and 30 years later dies of ass cancer from all the ass raping he recieved while in prision. No one misses him when he is buried and it put in the ground without one person showing up for his funeral. Ends up going straight to hell where the father of the family he killed is waiting for him (because he used to sodomize his son) and ass rapes the man thoughout his enternal damnation.
Dont drink and drive.
unecessary dude
What? It tells a story and gives good advice to all the teens.

And nope no issues here I am tottaly sane and normal human being, whats wrong with you not to understand where I was coming from?
Whats that Mother?
OK
Look guys I got to split Mom made me some tuna sandwiches.
It's a horrible story, and it only make's you look stupid.

I pitty the people like you who have no humor what so ever and take life so seriously all the time.

And do you think I give a funk what people on the internet think of me? I got a few people I try to impress like my wife and my kids and friends who like me for me all else can go straight to hell if they do not like me for me and I am not about to change for some geeks on the internerd :p

You havent read to many of my replies or topics to understand I dont care.
I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just saying you arent getting your point across.

People don't read that story and think "Wow, drunk driving is bad.".

They're thinking "What's with all the sodomy and the lack of sentence structure? This is a screwed up story." That's only if they had kept reading. I bet 50% of people stopped reading after a line or two because it was so weird. And the ones that read the whole thing weren't thinking about drunk driving, they were thinking about messed up your story is.

It's a good idea to point out to teens that drinking and driving is bad, I just think you chose a very poor way to do so.
 

DaShen

Lifer
Dec 1, 2000
10,710
1
0
Originally posted by: Leros
I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just saying you arent getting your point across.

People don't read that story and think "Wow, drunk driving is bad.".

They're thinking "What's with all the sodomy and the lack of sentence structure? This is a screwed up story." That's only if they had kept reading. I bet 50% of people stopped reading after a line or two because it was so weird. And the ones that read the whole thing weren't thinking about drunk driving, they were thinking about messed up your story is.

It's a good idea to point out to teens that drinking and driving is bad, I just think you chose a very poor way to do so.
Agreed, but drop it already... this thread is about PIE... I mean, walking into a bar.
 

Leros

Lifer
Jul 11, 2004
21,867
7
81
Originally posted by: DaShen
Agreed, but drop it already... this thread is about PIE... I mean, walking into a bar.
I agree.

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him $50. The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here." The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."

 

funboy6942

Lifer
Nov 13, 2001
14,989
250
126
50
Originally posted by: DaShen
Originally posted by: Leros
I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just saying you arent getting your point across.

People don't read that story and think "Wow, drunk driving is bad.".

They're thinking "What's with all the sodomy and the lack of sentence structure? This is a screwed up story." That's only if they had kept reading. I bet 50% of people stopped reading after a line or two because it was so weird. And the ones that read the whole thing weren't thinking about drunk driving, they were thinking about messed up your story is.

It's a good idea to point out to teens that drinking and driving is bad, I just think you chose a very poor way to do so.
Agreed, but drop it already... this thread is about PIE... I mean, walking into a bar.
[Dr Evil Voice sounding like a fisherman]Got me a marlin[/Dr Evil Voice sounding like a fisherman]

Didnt insult me, again taking life a little to serious. It was ment just as you took it, wierd, this guys grammar sux, and WTF. The ending was just me adding another WTF to the WTF is wrong with this guy already.

And sorry to the op and some it was just me posting a WTF as usual. I take 12 different meds a day so I get a little funky and some of the stuff I dont even remember posting :p:p:p
WTF:p

Oh and I love the 3 blonds walk into a bar joke. That one for me is the best in here so far, oh that and the jessica parker one.
 

imported_Cameron

Senior member
Oct 11, 2005
571
0
0
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
 

alien42

Lifer
Nov 28, 2004
12,043
2,020
126
jesus walks in to a motel, puts a handful of nails on the counter and aks "can you put me up for the night"?
 

imported_Cameron

Senior member
Oct 11, 2005
571
0
0
Nenslo dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00.
He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as
much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles
and Nenslo departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles,
and passed out.
A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection,
wandered down the same alley. He saw Nenslo, thought about it,
and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing
the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00,
so he put it in the Nenslo's coat.
The next night, Nenslo discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner
store and asks for as much wine as he could get. The clerk hands
over 4 bottles which Nenslo then takes down the alley, consumes,
and passes out.
Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley.
This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing
Nenslo, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are
intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with Nenslo. And like
the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for Nenslo.

The next day Nenslo finds the $100.00 and goes into the
corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest
wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk
replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the
cheap stuff. Nenslo says, "Naw, give me the good stuff,
that cheap sh!t is tearing my ass up!"
 

funboy6942

Lifer
Nov 13, 2001
14,989
250
126
50
Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. Walks up to the bar orders a drink while his monkey goes off to the pool table and steals the cue ball comes back with it. The bartender gets pissed off and tried to take the ball away from the monkey when it shove the ball right up its (the monkeys) ass. The bartender then gets super pissed and tells the man and the monkey to leave.

Few days later the man returns with the monkey again and the bartender right away starts to yell at the man and tell him to leave. But the guy re-asures him what happened the last time will not happen again and if he can stay he will buy everyone a round of drinks. The bartender allows the man stay. Man orders a beer and the monkey comes off his sholder and goes for the bowl of peanuts. Takes one out of the bowl and shoves a peanut up his butt pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender notices this and watches him do this several times. He walks up to the man and tells him that he is happy his monkey is behaving itself but its at the end of the bar putting peanuts up its ass pulling them out and then eating them, whats up with that?

The guy replies "after a few days struggling with the cue ball he wants to make sure everthing fits".
 

ASK THE COMMUNITY