Monel Funkawitz
Diamond Member
This had me ROLLING! 😀
<< "EVERY show revolves around how evil or scummy men are and how there should probably be laws requiring mandatory abortions of male fetuses. Here are the basic plotlines for each and every movie on The Lifetime Network:
~~Man fakes his own death and leaves painfully obvious clues that any moron with half a burrow owl's brain could find. Woman tracks him down and discovers he's leading another life with another woman who is more attractive than her. Man eventually gets shot, falls down an elevator shaft, or trips face-first into a weedwacker.
~~Man divorces woman and shares custody of her kids. One day he takes the kids and never comes back. Woman goes searching cross-country for the man so she can get her kids back. Man eventually gets shot, falls down an elevator shaft, or is crushed by a meteor.
~~Single mother hires a babysitter to look over her kids while she attends an important charity function. Babysitter kidnaps children for no reason and meets up with her redneck bearded boyfriend who appears to have a full-time job of manually changing the oil in cars with his own hair. There is a dramatic showdown and the babysitter is killed by her boyfriend, then the boyfriend is shot, falls down an elevator shaft, or has his vital internal organs replaced with objects that detonate when coming in contact with vital internal organs.
"Sorry miss, but that whole 'serve and protect' thing is just a trademark, not an actual requirement."
Throughout these three plots is the consistent theme that if you're a woman who really cares about her children, there's absolutely NO WAY WHATSOEVER that the police or FBI or any other official government branch including the Post Office will ever help you with anything. Ever. Any female who enters their offices is immediately declared loony and her farfetched story is dismissed quicker than the guy who came in before and claimed his cow gave birth to a UFO. The police will only step in during the last two minutes of the movie, and that's only because nobody else has that silly "POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS" yellow tape to string around the open elevator shaft. I've often wondered why minorities are always the groups bitching and whining about how much they hate cops just because the police shoot them when they're committing crimes, running away, playing cards, knitting, or sleeping. How come we never see housewives rioting and holding demonstrations throughout the streets of crappy downtown districts? Judging by the types of movies featured throughout the day on The Lifetime Network, they have more than enough reason.
WOMAN: "Officer, you must help me! My husband ran off with my children! He's going to sacrifice them to the Dark Lord! You've got to help me get them back!"
COP: "Woah, woah, slow down there lady! Now what makes you say this?"
WOMAN: "Here is a letter he wrote saying, 'Mabel - I took the kids and I am going to kill them in the name of Satan. Be back later.' Here is hidden camera footage of him kidnapping our children. Here is the address of the building he's heading for. Here are the records of his involvement with this cult. You have to help me!"
COP: "Woah, woah, hold on a second there miss! Now what makes you think your husband is behind this?"
WOMAN: "Here is a cassette recording of the phone message he left on my answering machine, containing described details regarding his plans to take our kids and murder them all! Here's every member of his family, willing to testify to you right now and confirm this story!" (family waves and smiles)
COP: "Woah, woah, take a breather there ma'am! I'm afraid we can't help you on this one. We legally can't do anything until your kids are dead and your husband has voluntarily turned himself in and we spend 40 years examining the evidence against him! And even then we probably can't do anything! Most of us don't even know how to start our police cars or leave this office."
WOMAN: (Storming out of police station) "Looks like I'll have to take matters into my own hands!"
COP: "Whatever you do, don't take matters into your own hands!"
At that point the woman takes matters into her own hands and begins performing impressive feats of detective work including using a search engine to find keywords and asking gas station attendants if they've seen an evil man with two kidnapped children buying Clarke bars in their store. Eventually the chase ends and the woman confronts the evil husband / ex-husband / babysitter / statue of George Washington Carver and somebody gets shot while adopting a really concerned and surprised look on their face. Once the person is dead the police sweep by, undoubtedly to arrest the woman and shove lit matches up her nostrils for killing such an innocent man, and the movie fades to black while the police officers hand off the woman's children to a state-appointed child care worker who will eventually run off with them in the sequel, "A Perfect Woman and Her Asshole Husband 2: Child Molestation Boogaloo." Thank you very much, Lifetime Network! I now know that the only people who commit crimes are white heterosexual men and the only crimes they commit involve the lucrative industry of stealing children... and yet somehow this isn't a crime because the police only care about standing around the station and telling people "listen honey, we'd like to help you if we could, but our hands are tied. There's nothing we can do." Then the husband breaks in and starts raping and strangling the woman in front of the cops while they just stand around and reply "you should come back here when you've got some firm evidence. Right now all you've got is speculation."
So, in summary, quantity does not equal quality in the world of digital cable. Sure having channels that range into the millions sounds like a great deal on paper, but when it comes down to it you must realize that 99% of these channels center around women's tennis, Mexican soap operas, and people who are intent on selling you some gadget made of "advanced polymers" designed to either get rid of your hair or make it look like you have more hair. Do not be fooled by the lies of digital cable my friends! And don't marry a man!" >>
Nite everone. Its bedtime fer me. 🙂
<< "EVERY show revolves around how evil or scummy men are and how there should probably be laws requiring mandatory abortions of male fetuses. Here are the basic plotlines for each and every movie on The Lifetime Network:
~~Man fakes his own death and leaves painfully obvious clues that any moron with half a burrow owl's brain could find. Woman tracks him down and discovers he's leading another life with another woman who is more attractive than her. Man eventually gets shot, falls down an elevator shaft, or trips face-first into a weedwacker.
~~Man divorces woman and shares custody of her kids. One day he takes the kids and never comes back. Woman goes searching cross-country for the man so she can get her kids back. Man eventually gets shot, falls down an elevator shaft, or is crushed by a meteor.
~~Single mother hires a babysitter to look over her kids while she attends an important charity function. Babysitter kidnaps children for no reason and meets up with her redneck bearded boyfriend who appears to have a full-time job of manually changing the oil in cars with his own hair. There is a dramatic showdown and the babysitter is killed by her boyfriend, then the boyfriend is shot, falls down an elevator shaft, or has his vital internal organs replaced with objects that detonate when coming in contact with vital internal organs.
"Sorry miss, but that whole 'serve and protect' thing is just a trademark, not an actual requirement."
Throughout these three plots is the consistent theme that if you're a woman who really cares about her children, there's absolutely NO WAY WHATSOEVER that the police or FBI or any other official government branch including the Post Office will ever help you with anything. Ever. Any female who enters their offices is immediately declared loony and her farfetched story is dismissed quicker than the guy who came in before and claimed his cow gave birth to a UFO. The police will only step in during the last two minutes of the movie, and that's only because nobody else has that silly "POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS" yellow tape to string around the open elevator shaft. I've often wondered why minorities are always the groups bitching and whining about how much they hate cops just because the police shoot them when they're committing crimes, running away, playing cards, knitting, or sleeping. How come we never see housewives rioting and holding demonstrations throughout the streets of crappy downtown districts? Judging by the types of movies featured throughout the day on The Lifetime Network, they have more than enough reason.
WOMAN: "Officer, you must help me! My husband ran off with my children! He's going to sacrifice them to the Dark Lord! You've got to help me get them back!"
COP: "Woah, woah, slow down there lady! Now what makes you say this?"
WOMAN: "Here is a letter he wrote saying, 'Mabel - I took the kids and I am going to kill them in the name of Satan. Be back later.' Here is hidden camera footage of him kidnapping our children. Here is the address of the building he's heading for. Here are the records of his involvement with this cult. You have to help me!"
COP: "Woah, woah, hold on a second there miss! Now what makes you think your husband is behind this?"
WOMAN: "Here is a cassette recording of the phone message he left on my answering machine, containing described details regarding his plans to take our kids and murder them all! Here's every member of his family, willing to testify to you right now and confirm this story!" (family waves and smiles)
COP: "Woah, woah, take a breather there ma'am! I'm afraid we can't help you on this one. We legally can't do anything until your kids are dead and your husband has voluntarily turned himself in and we spend 40 years examining the evidence against him! And even then we probably can't do anything! Most of us don't even know how to start our police cars or leave this office."
WOMAN: (Storming out of police station) "Looks like I'll have to take matters into my own hands!"
COP: "Whatever you do, don't take matters into your own hands!"
At that point the woman takes matters into her own hands and begins performing impressive feats of detective work including using a search engine to find keywords and asking gas station attendants if they've seen an evil man with two kidnapped children buying Clarke bars in their store. Eventually the chase ends and the woman confronts the evil husband / ex-husband / babysitter / statue of George Washington Carver and somebody gets shot while adopting a really concerned and surprised look on their face. Once the person is dead the police sweep by, undoubtedly to arrest the woman and shove lit matches up her nostrils for killing such an innocent man, and the movie fades to black while the police officers hand off the woman's children to a state-appointed child care worker who will eventually run off with them in the sequel, "A Perfect Woman and Her Asshole Husband 2: Child Molestation Boogaloo." Thank you very much, Lifetime Network! I now know that the only people who commit crimes are white heterosexual men and the only crimes they commit involve the lucrative industry of stealing children... and yet somehow this isn't a crime because the police only care about standing around the station and telling people "listen honey, we'd like to help you if we could, but our hands are tied. There's nothing we can do." Then the husband breaks in and starts raping and strangling the woman in front of the cops while they just stand around and reply "you should come back here when you've got some firm evidence. Right now all you've got is speculation."
So, in summary, quantity does not equal quality in the world of digital cable. Sure having channels that range into the millions sounds like a great deal on paper, but when it comes down to it you must realize that 99% of these channels center around women's tennis, Mexican soap operas, and people who are intent on selling you some gadget made of "advanced polymers" designed to either get rid of your hair or make it look like you have more hair. Do not be fooled by the lies of digital cable my friends! And don't marry a man!" >>
Nite everone. Its bedtime fer me. 🙂
