A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
========================
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On
the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish
and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a
net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled
for!" the priest said.
"No, Father," replied the guide, "that's what kind
of fish it is. It's a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
chimed the priest.
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster.
"Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've
ever seen" said the guide.
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch," replied the priest.
"What should I do with it? " asked the priest. "Why
eat it, of course," answered the guide. "You've
never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the church.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch,
Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a
look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" the
priest said.
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary.
"Father!"
"It's OK Sister," said the priest, "that's what
kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh well, then, what are you going to do with
that big Son of a Bitch?" asked Sister Mary.
"Why, eat it of course," answered the priest.
"The guide said nothing compares to the taste
of a Son of a Bitch."
The Sister informed the priest that the Pope
was scheduled to visit in a few days and that
they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar
walked in.
"What are you doing, Sister Mary?" asked the
Friar.
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a
Bitch for the Pope's dinner," replied Sister
Mary.
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!
Please watch your language!" asked the Friar.
"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish -
really!" claimed Sister Mary.
"Oh, well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal
and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"
replied the Friar. "Let me know when you've
finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was
perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent
meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you
get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the
proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he
said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the
sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of
a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big
smile crept across his face, and he said, "You
fückers are alright!"
========================
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he
had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came
home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's
wrong,Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill,
you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh..she
got fired too."
