A Friendly Reminder from your IT Department

[Geekbabe]

A Friendly Reminder from your IT Department

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Reply to: anon-73716994@craigslist.org
Date: Mon May 16 15:04:31 2005


I think it might be time for those of you who work in the corporate environment to get a bit of a refresher on your IT departments unspoken rules. It seems a few of you have forgotten what it?s all about. This should provide as a reminder as to the inner workings of the corporate IT world.

1.They are all my computers; I am only letting you borrow them. People constantly laugh at me when I say this, with no idea that I am absolutely serious. I have been given the responsibility of every computer in the office; they are all under my auspices, bar none. if I am gracious enough to give you access to one of my computers, then be nice to it. Talk to it kindly, call it a nice computer, and occasionally pat the monitor. Your computer ? and your IT guy ? will thank you for it. Also, this applies to printers, the network connection to the outside world, the videoconference system, and the phone system. Mine. All mine. Get it? Good.

2. If you are going to use my stuff, then use it properly. This means LEARN ABOUT FSCKING SPYWARE. If you absolutely HAVE to go to some site during work hours (and we?ll talk about this in a minute), then make sure, when the popups start showing up, you click the little black X in the upper right hand corner. Don?t click the big flashing ?OK? in the middle. Don?t. Whatever it is you think you should do ? if it?s not that little grey X in the uppermost right corner, don?t do it. Don?t. Just. Fscking. Don?t.

3. We know. Yeah, that?s right, we know. Every little site you?ve gone to. All the email that passes through your computers. All the instant message chats you have. We know. All of them. So the next time you decide you just HAVE to visit some idiotic website with a movie of two guys screwing a chicken, the next time you HAVE to spam emails to all your friends about the cute guy you hooked up with the other night and he gave you chlamydia, the next time you HAVE to talk to your ex-girlfriend about hooking up one more time behind your fiance?s back, think twice about who might be reading that shiat, and if you?ve pissed your IT guys off. Because we know.

4. Do not take advantage of us, or our toys. It?s awful nice of us to provide you with a boatload of network storage space for your own private use. Oh, and incidentally, that network storage space at work? IT?S FOR WORK PURPOSES. That means take the seventeen gigabytes of mp3s from some hip-hop artist that you got from some peer-to-peer and GET THEM OFF MY FSCKING NETWORK. I won?t ask nicely again. And listen to some real music ? hip-hop sucks.

5. Learn to share. Look, I realize that the computer came with Windows XP. I don?t like it any more than you do. But really ? that T1 we?ve got? It?s for everyone, so you can?t hog all our bandwidth by downloading the entire Fedora Core 3. Do it from home. If you want to bring it in to work and dual-boot your drive, I really don?t have a problem with it. But go back to kindergarden first and realize that hoarding is a bad thing, ok? Thanks.

6. The computer I let you use is for your use alone. This is somewhat malleable, where if someone at work needs your machine for a minute, you can let them use it. When your fourteen year old son comes to the office with you on Saturday and you let him use one of MY computers, then bitch to me about spyware, well, I?m just gonna tell you to lick the crack of my rump and spit in a cup. Sure, I?ll fix your machine, but after that you?re gonna have two icons on your desktop; ?Go To Work? and ?Go Home?, and ?Go Home? won?t work until 5:30. Think I can?t do it? Try me.

7. Are you a Program Manager? Then keep your fscking hands off of my fscking computers. This is non-negotiable. You people could screw up a free lunch. Get away from them or I will stab you in the neck with a pencil.

8. Are you in sales? Please see #7. You people are worse than Program Managers. Drink bleach.

9. Are you in Engineering? I realize that most of you have forgotten more about hardware than I will ever know. This doesn?t really give you the right to attempt to overclock the PC I?ve let you use to Ludicrious Speed. Please use discretion. Attempting to eke out a few hundred more hertz is fine; requisitioning a Freon Cooling Unit because 3.06G just isn?t fast enough is a little overkill. Trust me.

10. Oh, so you have a laptop of your own? Keep. It. Off. My. Network. If I catch an unknown machine anywhere on my net (please see #3), I will mess that machine up so badly your high-school TI calculator will be a Beowulf Cluster compared to your new paperweight. Also, I don't fix home computers. Tough shiat. I hope you get herpes.

11. If you want something from your IT Department, email is your friend. This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but still ? if you need something from me, email it to me. Don?t blindly call me, don?t magically materialize next to my desk and sit there while I?m working on something, waiting for me to pay attention to you ? email it to me. I?m not doing crap for you until I have a paper trail originating from you about it. You can follow up with a phone call, that?s fine; you can come over and say, ?I just shot you an email, can we discuss?? ? that?s fine too. If you just come over and leer at me while I?m in the middle of something, I will ignore you, and mentally give you cancer with my mind.

12. Anti-virus software. Look, people, it?s there for a reason. Don?t try to shut it off, please? Can we at least agree on that? We spent a lot of money on that software so that it would be up and running all the time, and it?s not really my fault if you have fifty applications open and ?the anti-virus software is slowing my machine down!!? So I?ll make a deal with you; if you don?t shut my anti-virus software on my computers off, I won?t shove an abacus straight up your butt. Ok? Good.

Following these 12 simple steps will make for a far more pleasing work environment. I guarantee it.

Thanks for reading.

 

[acemcmac]

clifs

 

[tm37]

Nice worth the read

 

[acemcmac]

yeah, that was funny

 

[dighn]

kind of amusing

 

[Nebor]

Good stuff.

 

[Martin]

Dear IT People,

You are all a bunch of whiny ass, incompetent clods. Abusing what few, small, insignificant powers you have will not make your micropenises any bigger, nor will it change your distance learning degree from Bumfvck, Alabama Community College. Please stop posting and at least try to do your jobs.

Sincerely,

Martin

 

[CPA]

While I don't like salespeople either, without them you wouldn't have a job. So you may want to be a little nicer to them.

 

A friendly reminder from the rest of the staff.

1. You are here to support us while we conduct real business. We are doing the business, you are just here to make sure our tools work properly when we need them to.
2. If you can't get it done right now, we will find someone else who can.
3. You are easily and inexpensively replaced, your job as a tech bitch is equated to a burger flipper in our minds.
4. We understand you are all on some power ego trip because you have been denied any control or power in all other aspects of life/social situations. STFU and deal with it, you're still a peon. and always will be.
5. You do not own the network, or any technology related components in the company. You are merely on the job to manage the technology, just like managers you are overrated.
6. Please stop whining about your job and just do it. You took the job knowing exactly what it entails. Why you think that complaining or sending out memos will change anything is beyond us.
7. You are a bottom feeder. You produce no income, no clients, nothing of true monetary worth, you are merely a tool.
8. Getting tired of repetitive work and the same problems/questions every single day? Tough sh!t, that's how every job is.
9. Don't try to explain to us the technical reason behind why something isn't working, just fix it, and keep fixing it as it needs to be fixed.

 

[upsciLLion]

:beatingoff;

 

[CPA]

Originally posted by: SampSon
A friendly reminder from the rest of the staff.

1. You are here to support us while we conduct real business. We are doing the business, you are just here to make sure our tools work properly when we need them to.
2. If you can't get it done right now, we will find someone else who can.
3. You are easily and inexpensively replaced, your job as a tech bitch is equated to a burger flipper in our minds.
4. We understand you are all on some power ego trip because you have been denied any control or power in all other aspects of life/social situations. STFU and deal with it, you're still a peon. and always will be.
5. You do not own the network, or any technology related components in the company. You are merely on the job to manage the technology, just like managers you are overrated.
6. Please stop whining about your job and just do it. You took the job knowing exactly what it entails. Why you think that complaining or sending out memos will change anything is beyond us.
7. You are a bottom feeder. You produce no income, no clients, nothing of true monetary worth, you are merely a tool.
8. Getting tired of repetitive work and the same problems/questions every single day? Tough sh!t, that's how every job is.
9. Don't try to explain to us the technical reason behind why something isn't working, just fix it, and keep fixing it as it needs to be fixed.

OMG, this is the third post of yours that I liked. What the hell is happening to me???????

 

[cavemanmoron]

Originally posted by: SampSon
A friendly reminder from the rest of the staff.

1. You are here to support us while we conduct real business. We are doing the business, you are just here to make sure our tools work properly when we need them to.
2. If you can't get it done right now, we will find someone else who can.
3. You are easily and inexpensively replaced, your job as a tech bitch is equated to a burger flipper in our minds.
4. We understand you are all on some power ego trip because you have been denied any control or power in all other aspects of life/social situations. STFU and deal with it, you're still a peon. and always will be.
5. You do not own the network, or any technology related components in the company. You are merely on the job to manage the technology, just like managers you are overrated.
6. Please stop whining about your job and just do it. You took the job knowing exactly what it entails. Why you think that complaining or sending out memos will change anything is beyond us.
7. You are a bottom feeder. You produce no income, no clients, nothing of true monetary worth, you are merely a tool.
8. Getting tired of repetitive work and the same problems/questions every single day? Tough sh!t, that's how every job is.
9. Don't try to explain to us the technical reason behind why something isn't working, just fix it, and keep fixing it as it needs to be fixed.

 

[rh71]

OP's: 6/10
Sampson's: 8/10

 

[imported_Kensai]

:thumbsup:

 

[Last Rezort]

Originally posted by: CPA

Originally posted by: SampSon
A friendly reminder from the rest of the staff.

1. You are here to support us while we conduct real business. We are doing the business, you are just here to make sure our tools work properly when we need them to.
2. If you can't get it done right now, we will find someone else who can.
3. You are easily and inexpensively replaced, your job as a tech bitch is equated to a burger flipper in our minds.
4. We understand you are all on some power ego trip because you have been denied any control or power in all other aspects of life/social situations. STFU and deal with it, you're still a peon. and always will be.
5. You do not own the network, or any technology related components in the company. You are merely on the job to manage the technology, just like managers you are overrated.
6. Please stop whining about your job and just do it. You took the job knowing exactly what it entails. Why you think that complaining or sending out memos will change anything is beyond us.
7. You are a bottom feeder. You produce no income, no clients, nothing of true monetary worth, you are merely a tool.
8. Getting tired of repetitive work and the same problems/questions every single day? Tough sh!t, that's how every job is.
9. Don't try to explain to us the technical reason behind why something isn't working, just fix it, and keep fixing it as it needs to be fixed.

OMG, this is the third post of yours that I liked. What the hell is happening to me???????

:thumbsup:

 

[FreshPrince]

A friendly response from the IT guy:

Originally posted by: SampSon
A friendly reminder from the rest of the staff.

1. You are here to support us while we conduct real business. We are doing the business, you are just here to make sure our tools work properly when we need them to.
maybe that's true in the 4 man company you work for. I work for a real corporation and the board put me in charge of their technology assets.
2. If you can't get it done right now, we will find someone else who can.
I can do anything. If you want a quick band aide, I can make it work now. Or, you can wait, till I have time to show you why your Back Street Boys CD won't fit in your floppy drive
3. You are easily and inexpensively replaced, your job as a tech bitch is equated to a burger flipper in our minds.
once again, talk to the board, they seem to think differently
4. We understand you are all on some power ego trip because you have been denied any control or power in all other aspects of life/social situations. STFU and deal with it, you're still a peon. and always will be.
if you don't own the company, then you're peon as well. I saved a seat for you.
5. You do not own the network, or any technology related components in the company. You are merely on the job to manage the technology, just like managers you are overrated.
I'm glad you realized I'm here to manage the technology, and not your pr0n surfing habits.
6. Please stop whining about your job and just do it. You took the job knowing exactly what it entails. Why you think that complaining or sending out memos will change anything is beyond us.
Because I'm waiting for the moment you screw up and bury you in red tape.
7. You are a bottom feeder. You produce no income, no clients, nothing of true monetary worth, you are merely a tool.
again, in the 4 man company you work for, that may be true. My team provides networking and security services to many clients. My department pulls in a steady revenue stream, that more than we can say about your department.
8. Getting tired of repetitive work and the same problems/questions every single day? Tough sh!t, that's how every job is.
9. Don't try to explain to us the technical reason behind why something isn't working, just fix it, and keep fixing it as it needs to be fixed.

I'm trying to be nice and not yell at you for continuously deleting those important contracts.

 

[cw42]

haha, that was entertaining.

 

[cw42]

Originally posted by: upsciLLion
:beatingoff;

:Q

 

[Zanix]

s'on nah! Wooo eeeeee!!

 

[RaynorWolfcastle]

An addendum to Sampson's list:

A friendly reminder from the engineering dept.
1. When I need special priviledges to do my job, I'm not requesting a lecture about how technically you aren't supposed to let anyone have them. STFU and give me access to the resources I need to do my job then go do whatever it is you do with your time

2. I don't give a fsck about how your home computer has a GeForce 78345652 and mine only has integrated video, nor do I care about the hardware you purchased this weekend. Just because I'm an engineer doesn't mean I care about your ubar-1337 rig!!1!!11.

3. Feel free to make no attempt at small talk about technology and get the fsck out of my workspace as soon as you finish what I asked you to do. If I wanted small talk you sure as hell wouldn't be the person I'd be talking to.

 

[M00T]

teh funnay

 

[GuitarDaddy]

Originally posted by: Martin
Dear IT People,

You are all a bunch of whiny ass, incompetent clods. Abusing what few, small, insignificant powers you have will not make your micropenises any bigger, nor will it change your distance learning degree from Bumfvck, Alabama Community College. Please stop posting and at least try to do your jobs.

Sincerely,

Martin

:thumbsup:

 

[Injury]

Injury's version:

1) I do my job. That's that.
2) You do your job.
3) I do not do your job.
4) I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The end.

 

Originally posted by: FreshPrince
A friendly response from the IT guy:

Originally posted by: SampSon
A friendly reminder from the rest of the staff.

1. You are here to support us while we conduct real business. We are doing the business, you are just here to make sure our tools work properly when we need them to.
maybe that's true in the 4 man company you work for. I work for a real corporation and the board put me in charge of their technology assets.
I like the small company I work for. I'm much more than a number. What's wrong about small businesses? The OP's post was geared towards the typical IT job at your non technology oriented business.

2. If you can't get it done right now, we will find someone else who can.
I can do anything. If you want a quick band aide, I can make it work now. Or, you can wait, till I have time to show you why your Back Street Boys CD won't fit in your floppy drive
Ok, so do anythign and fixes the problem, and do it now.

3. You are easily and inexpensively replaced, your job as a tech bitch is equated to a burger flipper in our minds.
once again, talk to the board, they seem to think differently
The board doesn't know any better than. I'm sure with the huge glut of over educated people in the market makes it incredibly hard to find a person to do the job....

4. We understand you are all on some power ego trip because you have been denied any control or power in all other aspects of life/social situations. STFU and deal with it, you're still a peon. and always will be.
if you don't own the company, then you're peon as well. I saved a seat for you.
Not everyone is just a number in a huge corporate machine

5. You do not own the network, or any technology related components in the company. You are merely on the job to manage the technology, just like managers you are overrated.
I'm glad you realized I'm here to manage the technology, and not your pr0n surfing habits.
So manage it. Lock it down and reduce the need for administrative interaction. But I hear you about users and internet usage.

6. Please stop whining about your job and just do it. You took the job knowing exactly what it entails. Why you think that complaining or sending out memos will change anything is beyond us.
Because I'm waiting for the moment you screw up and bury you in red tape.
There is no red tape in my company, left that micromanaged hell a while back

7. You are a bottom feeder. You produce no income, no clients, nothing of true monetary worth, you are merely a tool.
again, in the 4 man company you work for, that may be true. My team provides networking and security services to many clients. My department pulls in a steady revenue stream, that more than we can say about your department.
The income stream is there when dealing with a technology based company. The OP's list was more geared towards the IT dept in a non technology related business. In that case the IT dept is usually a non income part of the company.
You keep bringing up 4 man company, I don't see what would be bad about that, at least you're, at the lowest, number 4 and not number p34-r3323. We really don't have depts in my company.

8. Getting tired of repetitive work and the same problems/questions every single day? Tough sh!t, that's how every job is.
9. Don't try to explain to us the technical reason behind why something isn't working, just fix it, and keep fixing it as it needs to be fixed.

I'm trying to be nice and not yell at you for continuously deleting those important contracts.
Back them up for me!!

ps. I'm a former IT guy, I know exactly what you go through. The OP's post is geared to a work environment where the business is not in the technology business. IT is strictly a tool by which to conduct their business. They are like the FEDEX guy or the building maintenence man. Not to say they arn't needed, but they arn't involved in the core work that produced at that business.
I used to work in the corporate IT field and smaller IT jobs, I got out of it because of all the reasons the OP and you posted. Being in a competant IT person in a totally non-technology related industry gave me some outside perspective. I know it is a needed resource today, but in the situations the OPs post is dealing with I know now IT is viewed merely as a tool.

 

[vi edit]

I don't have a black X in the corner.

I have a white one. Does it work the same way?