December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional
carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday
that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the
table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In
addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed
since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our
CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does
happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
"little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold
this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can
just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it,
and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But,
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, Management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional
carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday
that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the
table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In
addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed
since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our
CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does
happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
"little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold
this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can
just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it,
and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But,
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, Management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
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