This was taken from the June 2002 issue of PSM:
1) Items are desperate for attention-thats why they'll spin,flash or do anything to get you to pick them up.
2) Any mission described as "routine" is guaranteed to go horribly wrong.
3) If the bad guys would just remove one platform from the world, they'd be safe from you forever.
4) Main characters are master surgeons- They can repair any injury with a First-Aid kit or a bag of random herbs.
5) Monsters are cursed to walk the world with loads of cash that cant ever spend or use.
6) No matter what your science teacher says, laser guns and explosions sound just as cool in space as they do on Earth, despite the vacuum.
7) When an evil martial arts master is up to no good, the only way to stop him is to hold a fighting tournament.
8) Gold coins can buy life- you just need about a hundred of them.
9) Loading status bars have absolutely no correlation with how fast the game is loading- They're only put there to annoy you.
10) A cute, talking dog is "kiddy", but put baggy pants,a backwards cap and some shades on that sucker and he's got "attitude".
11) The longer and more punctuated a game title, the better. Why call it "Danger Quest" when you can call it "Danger Quest:The Corinthian Principles, Episode 1:Escape From Neverhorn Lagoon?"
12) Somewhere around their mid-teens, young boys have to leave home to go on a great adventure. Its just what kids do.
13) Cursing? Fine.Exploding Heads? OK.Mass Murder? No Prob.Shirtless Boobs? Now why would anyone want that, you sicko?
14) "Hollywood production values" usually means "lots of waiting around through poorly-acted cutscenes.
15) Bathrooms dont exist in video games, so therefor, one can sumise that videogame characters never have to pee.
16) When you get hired on at an evil fortress, you have to undergo long and strenuous "what switch does what" and "where the hidden keys are" training.
17) You should always make sure that hot anime chick isn't really an effeminate looking guy before you make lewd comments.
18) The further away from home you travel, the more dangerous the monsters become.
19) Bad guys are inbred. Have you ever noticed that Street Thug #1 in the red vest looks an awful lot loke the red-vested Street Thug #2?
20) If you want medicine for a sick village girl, it'll end up costing you a butterfly net, one spell book, an antique lamp, and a rare space egg to get it.
21) Girls must secretly enjoy the extra attention they get when captured. Its the only explanation.
22) Guys holding giant honkin' shield in front of them never protect their asses.
23) The best way to get a girl to like you in an RPG is to ignore her for 70 straight hours of gameplay.
24) When a game maker uses the term "wise-cracking", what they really mean is "annoying".
25) The player character is always right, even if he's spraying graffiti, smashing up cars, or killing loads of people- Its everbody else who's in the wrong.
26) While men are always the stronger of the two sexes, women are much faster, and can often throw tiny daggers with pinpoint accuracy.
27) Special Forces soldiers cant afford their own weapons, but its never a problem to just find hi-tech hear lying around durning the mission.
28) You MUST have to option to turn off blood and gore(although no one ever does).
29) If things are just a little too quiet and then the music suddenly speeds up and gets louder, then buddy, get the hell outta there!
30) Eating random meat found on the ground is perfectly acceptable, in fact, its encouraged.
31) All those level bosses you beat werent really trying, 'cause they planned to team up and beat your ass at the end of the game anyways.
32) Game characters all suffer from either xenophobia, kleptomania, or obsessive hoarding syndrome.
33) Everything has a purpose in life- If you see an item, pick it up. That stick of gum could be the key to saving the universe.
34) Bad guys are fearless. They'll watch you trounce 12 of their buddies w/o breaking a sweat, and they'll still charge in after you.
35) If you mess up a puzzle, just exit the room. When you return, the Puzzle Fairies will have put everything back the way it was so you can try again.
36) Dont ask us where the character can store 4 types of guns, a rocket launcher, a giant sword, 3 moon orbs and a raft. Really, you dont want to know.
37) The monster isnt dead until the music stops.
38) You may have won 10 straight races in a row, but buddy, you're still starting the next one dead last.
39) If the game keeps focusing on what a friend someone is to you, watch your back- They're sure to turn evil on you.
40) A game character can get by on one set of clothes because he never gets them dirty.
41) Bad guys dont hold grudges- that guard you sucker-punched will go back to patrolling if you just leave him alone.
42) Need instant comedy?Just stick an afro on you characters.
43) Characters all feel the same thing when they die- The wild buzzing of a DualShock2 controller.
44) Female warriors are infinitely better at defending themselves than the guys- this is evidenced by their lack of need for armor(or clothes for that matter.)
45) Bad guys are gennerally gentlemen fighters- they may approach you in a group, but they'll only attack you one at a time.
46) The final boss always underestimates the player. After you lay a quick beating on him though, he'll get serious and change to a more powerful form- but by that time, he's nearly dead.
47) A monster might get a hit on you, but during the next few seconds while you're intangible, that sucker's toast.
48) Shopkeepers are greedy to the point of stupidity. "Yes, I realize that a giant dragon is on its way to burn our villiage down, but I still cant let you have this DragonSlayer sword for anything less than 5,000 gold.
49) You cant just walk up to a group of bad guys and unleash your most powerful attack- you gotta beat on 'em for awhile and get yourself nice and worked up.
50) By the time I sit through the countless opening credit screens to start my game, I will hate the developers.
1) Items are desperate for attention-thats why they'll spin,flash or do anything to get you to pick them up.
2) Any mission described as "routine" is guaranteed to go horribly wrong.
3) If the bad guys would just remove one platform from the world, they'd be safe from you forever.
4) Main characters are master surgeons- They can repair any injury with a First-Aid kit or a bag of random herbs.
5) Monsters are cursed to walk the world with loads of cash that cant ever spend or use.
6) No matter what your science teacher says, laser guns and explosions sound just as cool in space as they do on Earth, despite the vacuum.
7) When an evil martial arts master is up to no good, the only way to stop him is to hold a fighting tournament.
8) Gold coins can buy life- you just need about a hundred of them.
9) Loading status bars have absolutely no correlation with how fast the game is loading- They're only put there to annoy you.
10) A cute, talking dog is "kiddy", but put baggy pants,a backwards cap and some shades on that sucker and he's got "attitude".
11) The longer and more punctuated a game title, the better. Why call it "Danger Quest" when you can call it "Danger Quest:The Corinthian Principles, Episode 1:Escape From Neverhorn Lagoon?"
12) Somewhere around their mid-teens, young boys have to leave home to go on a great adventure. Its just what kids do.
13) Cursing? Fine.Exploding Heads? OK.Mass Murder? No Prob.Shirtless Boobs? Now why would anyone want that, you sicko?
14) "Hollywood production values" usually means "lots of waiting around through poorly-acted cutscenes.
15) Bathrooms dont exist in video games, so therefor, one can sumise that videogame characters never have to pee.
16) When you get hired on at an evil fortress, you have to undergo long and strenuous "what switch does what" and "where the hidden keys are" training.
17) You should always make sure that hot anime chick isn't really an effeminate looking guy before you make lewd comments.
18) The further away from home you travel, the more dangerous the monsters become.
19) Bad guys are inbred. Have you ever noticed that Street Thug #1 in the red vest looks an awful lot loke the red-vested Street Thug #2?
20) If you want medicine for a sick village girl, it'll end up costing you a butterfly net, one spell book, an antique lamp, and a rare space egg to get it.
21) Girls must secretly enjoy the extra attention they get when captured. Its the only explanation.
22) Guys holding giant honkin' shield in front of them never protect their asses.
23) The best way to get a girl to like you in an RPG is to ignore her for 70 straight hours of gameplay.
24) When a game maker uses the term "wise-cracking", what they really mean is "annoying".
25) The player character is always right, even if he's spraying graffiti, smashing up cars, or killing loads of people- Its everbody else who's in the wrong.
26) While men are always the stronger of the two sexes, women are much faster, and can often throw tiny daggers with pinpoint accuracy.
27) Special Forces soldiers cant afford their own weapons, but its never a problem to just find hi-tech hear lying around durning the mission.
28) You MUST have to option to turn off blood and gore(although no one ever does).
29) If things are just a little too quiet and then the music suddenly speeds up and gets louder, then buddy, get the hell outta there!
30) Eating random meat found on the ground is perfectly acceptable, in fact, its encouraged.
31) All those level bosses you beat werent really trying, 'cause they planned to team up and beat your ass at the end of the game anyways.
32) Game characters all suffer from either xenophobia, kleptomania, or obsessive hoarding syndrome.
33) Everything has a purpose in life- If you see an item, pick it up. That stick of gum could be the key to saving the universe.
34) Bad guys are fearless. They'll watch you trounce 12 of their buddies w/o breaking a sweat, and they'll still charge in after you.
35) If you mess up a puzzle, just exit the room. When you return, the Puzzle Fairies will have put everything back the way it was so you can try again.
36) Dont ask us where the character can store 4 types of guns, a rocket launcher, a giant sword, 3 moon orbs and a raft. Really, you dont want to know.
37) The monster isnt dead until the music stops.
38) You may have won 10 straight races in a row, but buddy, you're still starting the next one dead last.
39) If the game keeps focusing on what a friend someone is to you, watch your back- They're sure to turn evil on you.
40) A game character can get by on one set of clothes because he never gets them dirty.
41) Bad guys dont hold grudges- that guard you sucker-punched will go back to patrolling if you just leave him alone.
42) Need instant comedy?Just stick an afro on you characters.
43) Characters all feel the same thing when they die- The wild buzzing of a DualShock2 controller.
44) Female warriors are infinitely better at defending themselves than the guys- this is evidenced by their lack of need for armor(or clothes for that matter.)
45) Bad guys are gennerally gentlemen fighters- they may approach you in a group, but they'll only attack you one at a time.
46) The final boss always underestimates the player. After you lay a quick beating on him though, he'll get serious and change to a more powerful form- but by that time, he's nearly dead.
47) A monster might get a hit on you, but during the next few seconds while you're intangible, that sucker's toast.
48) Shopkeepers are greedy to the point of stupidity. "Yes, I realize that a giant dragon is on its way to burn our villiage down, but I still cant let you have this DragonSlayer sword for anything less than 5,000 gold.
49) You cant just walk up to a group of bad guys and unleash your most powerful attack- you gotta beat on 'em for awhile and get yourself nice and worked up.
50) By the time I sit through the countless opening credit screens to start my game, I will hate the developers.
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