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5 ways to refresh your relationship
"The easiest kind of relationship is with 10,000 people, the hardest is with one." --Joan Baez
Waves lapping on the most beautiful shore will surely erode the rocks and quietly change the geography over the years. In a relationship, years of conversation and behaviors will change the nature of the entity called The Couple. You may celebrate the new form, or you may rail against the dents. Sharing a zip code and cutlery has its squishy upside and its nasty moments. Here are some ways to fan up the fun and make peace with the imperfections of a relationship.
It's a fact: forgive and forget
It isn't good enough to just say OK, I forgive you for reciting drunk soliloquies at my cousin's wedding. You need to attach a cement block and bury the sound and picture portion in 20 feet of memory quicksand. It is bad taste to bring up mistakes in the following way: (Face screwed up as in the I-need-to-sneeze-mode) ?What? You're going to have a drink BEFORE we go out? You know what happens when you start the party early."
This is not a relationship tonic. If you truly have forgiven him for his poor judgment -- whether it is a nuisance level item (?You forgot our anniversary"), or an emergency task force item ("You slept with your assistant"), you must REALLY mean it. If you cannot get past the wound, the lack of trust and resentment will cave in what's left the relationship even if you simmer quietly. If you truly stand behind a new chance, you have put a fresh coat of paint on the whole thing and trudge on. As Leo Buscaglia said, "Forgiving without forgetting is like burying the hatchet in the ground with the handle sticking out." If you can't forgive, skip the rest of this article and divide the household items.
Presume less
Let's say your assignment is to write an essay on your partner. You are to include his likes and dislikes, his philosophical point of view and his dreams.
How much of this report can you really do without going back to do some research on the subject? Perhaps you believe you can draft the first 10 chapters with your eyes closed. Are you sure? Just because you have spent acres of face time with Harry does not mean you can read his mind, nor does it factor in that your Harry may have changed in some ways. He may have been the nonchalant type when it came to finances six years ago. Today he may have worries that he doesn't voice.
Ask, "What's your opinion?" as if you were an interviewer. Then listen to the answer. As Henry Winkler pointed out, ?Assumptions are the termites of relationships."
Talk and tickle time
No one expects a car to do unlimited mileage on one tank of gas. A relationship also requires regular maintenance and fill-ups at the relationship pump. This means time to relax, share more than just problems and time to make plans for the future.
When is the last time you pushed him up against the fridge for a freebie hug when he wandered in the kitchen? If you measure it in months or years, it's time for a bona fide demo of unsolicited affection.
"I just wanted to tell you that I still love hanging out with you" is a cheap ego boost that has run-off bonuses for the rest of the day.
Schedule time away to juice up the partnership. Obligations can always wait for a few hours while you look through old photo albums and laugh at old hairstyles.
Become a PR agent
There's nothing as sexy as secretly overhearing someone you love describe you in affectionate, charming terms. We are so rushed in our private and working life that we sometimes forget to dole out appreciation. In many families, the furnace repair guy would warrant more kindness if he mistakenly tracked dirt on the rug than a partner. "Oh, don't worry, I can just wipe it up" vs. " I can't believe you're so sloppy." Treat your mortgage-mate as kindly as you would a stranger. It is easy to dump a load of unhappiness or criticism on the person you can count on the most. No doubt your boss hears less of your whiney moments than your lover.
A compliment is a powerful thing. "I really appreciate the way you handle my parents with humor even when they are demanding" is worth the time it takes to put the words together.
Make a list of the great qualities he has. Perhaps you have forgotten some of them.
New adventures
Inject some new and unpredictable direction into the relationship. Even if you are not a basketball fan, offer to attend the game if his buddy can't use the ticket. Tell him, "I'd like to hang out with you while you are doing something you enjoy. Maybe I'll get hooked." Slide out of your anticipated stance and see what happens. Offer to keep him company shopping at the hardware store or suggest he invite over his pal who usually drives you nuts telling bad jokes. Be nice for no reason. You'd like him to do it for you. Consider a new activity you can learn together: kayaking, Japanese, bike repair.
A relationship needs some impetus to meander forward. Children, debts, sorrow and access to regular sex all serve as good glue, but you might want to add some new moves to your repertoire. You need to fluff and cheer. You need to not take the company for granted. If the association is valuable, treat it like your favorite car or hobby, not your annoying chores. Leave some concrete evidence of your caring somewhere on the landscape of your relationship.
5 ways to refresh your relationship
"The easiest kind of relationship is with 10,000 people, the hardest is with one." --Joan Baez
Waves lapping on the most beautiful shore will surely erode the rocks and quietly change the geography over the years. In a relationship, years of conversation and behaviors will change the nature of the entity called The Couple. You may celebrate the new form, or you may rail against the dents. Sharing a zip code and cutlery has its squishy upside and its nasty moments. Here are some ways to fan up the fun and make peace with the imperfections of a relationship.
It's a fact: forgive and forget
It isn't good enough to just say OK, I forgive you for reciting drunk soliloquies at my cousin's wedding. You need to attach a cement block and bury the sound and picture portion in 20 feet of memory quicksand. It is bad taste to bring up mistakes in the following way: (Face screwed up as in the I-need-to-sneeze-mode) ?What? You're going to have a drink BEFORE we go out? You know what happens when you start the party early."
This is not a relationship tonic. If you truly have forgiven him for his poor judgment -- whether it is a nuisance level item (?You forgot our anniversary"), or an emergency task force item ("You slept with your assistant"), you must REALLY mean it. If you cannot get past the wound, the lack of trust and resentment will cave in what's left the relationship even if you simmer quietly. If you truly stand behind a new chance, you have put a fresh coat of paint on the whole thing and trudge on. As Leo Buscaglia said, "Forgiving without forgetting is like burying the hatchet in the ground with the handle sticking out." If you can't forgive, skip the rest of this article and divide the household items.
Presume less
Let's say your assignment is to write an essay on your partner. You are to include his likes and dislikes, his philosophical point of view and his dreams.
How much of this report can you really do without going back to do some research on the subject? Perhaps you believe you can draft the first 10 chapters with your eyes closed. Are you sure? Just because you have spent acres of face time with Harry does not mean you can read his mind, nor does it factor in that your Harry may have changed in some ways. He may have been the nonchalant type when it came to finances six years ago. Today he may have worries that he doesn't voice.
Ask, "What's your opinion?" as if you were an interviewer. Then listen to the answer. As Henry Winkler pointed out, ?Assumptions are the termites of relationships."
Talk and tickle time
No one expects a car to do unlimited mileage on one tank of gas. A relationship also requires regular maintenance and fill-ups at the relationship pump. This means time to relax, share more than just problems and time to make plans for the future.
When is the last time you pushed him up against the fridge for a freebie hug when he wandered in the kitchen? If you measure it in months or years, it's time for a bona fide demo of unsolicited affection.
"I just wanted to tell you that I still love hanging out with you" is a cheap ego boost that has run-off bonuses for the rest of the day.
Schedule time away to juice up the partnership. Obligations can always wait for a few hours while you look through old photo albums and laugh at old hairstyles.
Become a PR agent
There's nothing as sexy as secretly overhearing someone you love describe you in affectionate, charming terms. We are so rushed in our private and working life that we sometimes forget to dole out appreciation. In many families, the furnace repair guy would warrant more kindness if he mistakenly tracked dirt on the rug than a partner. "Oh, don't worry, I can just wipe it up" vs. " I can't believe you're so sloppy." Treat your mortgage-mate as kindly as you would a stranger. It is easy to dump a load of unhappiness or criticism on the person you can count on the most. No doubt your boss hears less of your whiney moments than your lover.
A compliment is a powerful thing. "I really appreciate the way you handle my parents with humor even when they are demanding" is worth the time it takes to put the words together.
Make a list of the great qualities he has. Perhaps you have forgotten some of them.
New adventures
Inject some new and unpredictable direction into the relationship. Even if you are not a basketball fan, offer to attend the game if his buddy can't use the ticket. Tell him, "I'd like to hang out with you while you are doing something you enjoy. Maybe I'll get hooked." Slide out of your anticipated stance and see what happens. Offer to keep him company shopping at the hardware store or suggest he invite over his pal who usually drives you nuts telling bad jokes. Be nice for no reason. You'd like him to do it for you. Consider a new activity you can learn together: kayaking, Japanese, bike repair.
A relationship needs some impetus to meander forward. Children, debts, sorrow and access to regular sex all serve as good glue, but you might want to add some new moves to your repertoire. You need to fluff and cheer. You need to not take the company for granted. If the association is valuable, treat it like your favorite car or hobby, not your annoying chores. Leave some concrete evidence of your caring somewhere on the landscape of your relationship.
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