GTaudiophile
Lifer
As packaged and sold by NBC, the Winter Olympics are clearly a made-for-TV event. Unfortunately, as they might say in the Hollywood trade rags, the Peacock network's ratings have been far from boffo. Well, we here at the 10 Spot are always happy to lend an unsolicited helping hand. Here are some ways to juice up the Winter Olympic ratings:
1. More guns. If there's anything to be learned from the vice president's hunting accident, it's that firearms are a ratings bonanza. The Winter Olympics are on the right track with the biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing with target shooting (of course!). Still, maybe it's time for the competitors themselves to be dodging bullets (of the plastic or paint-ball variety -- we're not morbid). Let's see how well that stoic Norwegian holds his form in the ski jump when he's being threatened by a sniper.
2. Give viewers a sense of urgency. Taking a tip from Lost, convince people that if they don't check in on the Olympics coverage at least once every 108 minutes, something terrible will happen. No need to define what bad things will occur; in fact, it's best to be vague. It also helps to have really loud and annoying sound effects to enhance the drama of the countdown.
3. Allow competitors to vote each other out. We're guessing that Bode Miller would be sent packing to his personal RV in less time than it takes him to chug a beer.
4. Make up more events that Americans can win. It seems that we're awfully good in anything involving a snowboard. Let's just apply the same techniques the Nordic countries have used for years: Create a new sport by combining old ones. OK, so cross-country skiing can be paired with both ski jumping (Nordic combined) and shooting (biathlon)? Fine. How about Snowball, in which competitors must snowboard and then throw a baseball? Try to beat us in that, Sven.
5. New commentators. Late in any timed event (Alpine skiing, bobsled, speedskating, etc.), have Kiefer Sutherland scream in his best Jack Bauer voice, "We're running out of time!"
6. Sticking with the 24 theme, two words: more torture. What's the highest-rated Winter Olympic event of all time? That's right, Tonya Harding against Nancy Kerrigan in 1994, a few weeks after Harding's henchmen kneecapped Kerrigan. Believe us, if Kerrigan was holding any secrets to the triple axel, she spilled them.
7. Don't run from American Idol, learn from it. We already suggested on Thursday that figure skating judges start giving their critiques out loud and on camera. Then we'll really see some tears in the kiss-and-cry room. Plus, Idol makes good use of some techniques that NBC used to employ more often. First, a few backstory vignettes help us know whom to root for and why. Which cute blonde was abandoned by her mom and has a dad in prison? America wants to know. Second, Idol has demonstrated that the viewing audience has a fascination not only with talent but with a notable lack thereof. Where is this year's Eddie the Eagle or Jamaican bobsled team? Who doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning a medal?
8. More flying blindside tackles on the ice. As SI.com's Chris Ballard noted in his review of Super Bowl commercials, few things tickle the American funny bone more than a flying tackle, whether in Old School, the Southwest Airlines ad or the recent spot for Michelob. How about once or twice a night, during the figure skating events, someone just cleans out the skater, sending sequins flying? That's comedy and drama. (Does that make it dramedy? Or comma?)
9. Show live events during prime time so people don't already know the results. OK, that's a tough order in Turin given the time difference, even assuming for a moment the faulty premise that NBC would be inclined to show things live anyway. But where's Superman when you need him to fly around the world at super speed to reverse time? Wait a second; would he actually need to advance time? Let's see, Italy is six hours ahead of the East Coast, so ... forget it, I'm becoming metaphysically dizzy.
10. More skin. Come on, people, this is TV, and sex sells. Sure, those curling girls make nice calendars. But why are they bundled up on the ice as if they were stepping into a blizzard? Isn't curling held indoors? The same goes with the speedskaters. (We'll give a pass to events actually held outdoors.) Because you know what happens when enormously expensive TV programs don't deliver the ratings? That's right -- they get canceled. If we work together, we can keep that from happening.
:thumbsup:
1. More guns. If there's anything to be learned from the vice president's hunting accident, it's that firearms are a ratings bonanza. The Winter Olympics are on the right track with the biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing with target shooting (of course!). Still, maybe it's time for the competitors themselves to be dodging bullets (of the plastic or paint-ball variety -- we're not morbid). Let's see how well that stoic Norwegian holds his form in the ski jump when he's being threatened by a sniper.
2. Give viewers a sense of urgency. Taking a tip from Lost, convince people that if they don't check in on the Olympics coverage at least once every 108 minutes, something terrible will happen. No need to define what bad things will occur; in fact, it's best to be vague. It also helps to have really loud and annoying sound effects to enhance the drama of the countdown.
3. Allow competitors to vote each other out. We're guessing that Bode Miller would be sent packing to his personal RV in less time than it takes him to chug a beer.
4. Make up more events that Americans can win. It seems that we're awfully good in anything involving a snowboard. Let's just apply the same techniques the Nordic countries have used for years: Create a new sport by combining old ones. OK, so cross-country skiing can be paired with both ski jumping (Nordic combined) and shooting (biathlon)? Fine. How about Snowball, in which competitors must snowboard and then throw a baseball? Try to beat us in that, Sven.
5. New commentators. Late in any timed event (Alpine skiing, bobsled, speedskating, etc.), have Kiefer Sutherland scream in his best Jack Bauer voice, "We're running out of time!"
6. Sticking with the 24 theme, two words: more torture. What's the highest-rated Winter Olympic event of all time? That's right, Tonya Harding against Nancy Kerrigan in 1994, a few weeks after Harding's henchmen kneecapped Kerrigan. Believe us, if Kerrigan was holding any secrets to the triple axel, she spilled them.
7. Don't run from American Idol, learn from it. We already suggested on Thursday that figure skating judges start giving their critiques out loud and on camera. Then we'll really see some tears in the kiss-and-cry room. Plus, Idol makes good use of some techniques that NBC used to employ more often. First, a few backstory vignettes help us know whom to root for and why. Which cute blonde was abandoned by her mom and has a dad in prison? America wants to know. Second, Idol has demonstrated that the viewing audience has a fascination not only with talent but with a notable lack thereof. Where is this year's Eddie the Eagle or Jamaican bobsled team? Who doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning a medal?
8. More flying blindside tackles on the ice. As SI.com's Chris Ballard noted in his review of Super Bowl commercials, few things tickle the American funny bone more than a flying tackle, whether in Old School, the Southwest Airlines ad or the recent spot for Michelob. How about once or twice a night, during the figure skating events, someone just cleans out the skater, sending sequins flying? That's comedy and drama. (Does that make it dramedy? Or comma?)
9. Show live events during prime time so people don't already know the results. OK, that's a tough order in Turin given the time difference, even assuming for a moment the faulty premise that NBC would be inclined to show things live anyway. But where's Superman when you need him to fly around the world at super speed to reverse time? Wait a second; would he actually need to advance time? Let's see, Italy is six hours ahead of the East Coast, so ... forget it, I'm becoming metaphysically dizzy.
10. More skin. Come on, people, this is TV, and sex sells. Sure, those curling girls make nice calendars. But why are they bundled up on the ice as if they were stepping into a blizzard? Isn't curling held indoors? The same goes with the speedskaters. (We'll give a pass to events actually held outdoors.) Because you know what happens when enormously expensive TV programs don't deliver the ratings? That's right -- they get canceled. If we work together, we can keep that from happening.
:thumbsup:
