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T

ThisIsMatt

Banned
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can
pay for it."
"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money,
but if I show you something you haven't seen before
will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to
the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across
the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts
playing Gerswhin.

"You're right I haven't heard anyting like that before,"
says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for
another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?"
asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog
starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out
of the bar.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You
sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."
 
Fine, here's another:

Bus Incident

|A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child
|and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
|
|Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
|aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed
|that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
|
|"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
|
|The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult
|passengers. He could be fired for that."
|
|"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
|piece of my mind!"
|
|"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey
|
|
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage
and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said,
"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never
would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said,
"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
 
LOL!!!
OK, they were mildly amusing, but they did put a little sparkle in the crappy hump day I'm having.
 


<< An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage
and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said,
"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never
would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said,
"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch." >>

LOL! Thats good stuff
 


<< An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage
and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said,
"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never
would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said,
"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch." >>



this one was the best
 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say,
"Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, Not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
The third and fourth were hilarious..the first two were mildly funny but the second one more so than the first 🙂
 
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