A few Military Jokes (Stolen by Brutuskend and brought to YOU!)

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Brutuskend

Lifer
Apr 2, 2001
26,558
4
0
Some Military Humor
These jokes are in Honor of our troops who are positioned around the world.


Misunderstanding Military Terms


One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.






The Show Off Pilots





An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."





Military Etiquette




Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!
 
A

Amorphus

Diamond Member
Mar 31, 2003
5,561
1
0
different:

The Show Off Pilots





An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

The bomber pilot responded "I just stood up, stretched my legs, and went back into the galley to get a cup o' coffee. Your turn.
 
AreaCode707

AreaCode707

Lifer
Sep 21, 2001
18,440
101
91
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by
US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance
crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally
leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."


Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
 
S

Semper Fi

Golden Member
Dec 2, 1999
1,873
0
0
Originally posted by: Brutuskend
Some Military Humor
These jokes are in Honor of our troops who are positioned around the world.


Misunderstanding Military Terms


One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Click to expand...


so true

:D, great jokes.

 
Fenixgoon

Fenixgoon

Lifer
Jun 30, 2003
31,589
9,972
136
my dad and brother are aerospace engineers.. so they have all these aircraft jokes.. here's one of them

4 planes are preparing to land at an airport.
the first, a personal plane, asks the controller "whats my speed?" the controller replies "100 knots"
then, a 747 comes along and asks the controller "whats my speed?" "250 knots"
the 747 pilot looks at the owner of the private plan with a slight smirk
then, an FA-18 comes along... pilot says "whats My speed?" and the controller responds "400 knots"
the pilot turns his head towards the 747 and bobs his head
finally an SR71 blackbird comes along and asks his speed.. the controller says "fifteen hundred knots" :)

here's the other one

An SR71 is flying way up in the atmosphere, and he says to the controller "yeah i need a flight vector for.. umm.. 80,000 feet." so the controller says "ok vector for rising to 80,000 feet is..." and the SR71 pilot responds, "no you idiot! im going DOWN to 80,000 feet!"
 
A

abracadabra1

Diamond Member
Nov 18, 1999
3,879
1
0
sr-71 jokes are mediocre at best...I like the B-52 jokes though...and the different language jokes are always fun
 
P

PowerMacG5

Diamond Member
Apr 14, 2002
7,701
0
0
Originally posted by: Fenixgoon
my dad and brother are aerospace engineers.. so they have all these aircraft jokes.. here's one of them

4 planes are preparing to land at an airport.
the first, a personal plane, asks the controller "whats my speed?" the controller replies "100 knots"
then, a 747 comes along and asks the controller "whats my speed?" "250 knots"
the 747 pilot looks at the owner of the private plan with a slight smirk
then, an FA-18 comes along... pilot says "whats My speed?" and the controller responds "400 knots"
the pilot turns his head towards the 747 and bobs his head
finally an SR71 blackbird comes along and asks his speed.. the controller says "fifteen hundred knots" :)

here's the other one

An SR71 is flying way up in the atmosphere, and he says to the controller "yeah i need a flight vector for.. umm.. 80,000 feet." so the controller says "ok vector for rising to 80,000 feet is..." and the SR71 pilot responds, "no you idiot! im going DOWN to 80,000 feet!"
Click to expand...

Hmmm, the way I remember the second one is goes as follows:

A SR71 Blackbird Pilot radio's the ATC in his area, and asks for clearence to 80,000 feet. The ATC says, "Sure, if you can get there." The SR71 Blackbird pilot says "Descending to 80,000 feet."
 
C

CTho9305

Elite Member
Jul 26, 2000
9,214
1
81
Originally posted by: TheBoyBlunder
I still can't understand why an F-111 would be escorting a B-52...
/military hardware geek
Click to expand...

...which is why I'm changing it to an F15 or something smaller but with 2 engines before reposting it elsewhere ;).
 
S

Sukhoi

Elite Member
Dec 5, 1999
15,300
84
91
Originally posted by: TheBoyBlunder
I still can't understand why an F-111 would be escorting a B-52...
/military hardware geek
Click to expand...

F-111A was a fighter.
 
T

tm37

Lifer
Jan 24, 2001
12,436
1
0
Originally posted by: HotChic
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by
US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance
crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally
leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."


Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Click to expand...



In the navy we alway got very interesting "GRIPES" from the pilots.

I actually saw this with my own eyes.

Problem - Pinging in rear of cabin sounds like little man with hammer.
solution - Took hammer away from little man.
 
DanTMWTMP

DanTMWTMP

Lifer
Oct 7, 2001
15,907
13
81
lol shut off two engines ahahahaha

i didn't quite get the other two...inform my n00b brain :(
 
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